Celebrities

HOLLYWOOD – Lindsay Lohan has been accused of plagiarism by an eighth grade student in Omaha, Nebraska. The student, Shelly Atwater, is a member of Miss Leopold’s homeroom at John Glenn Middle School. Ms. Atwater claims that parts of her essay on educational values, which was posted on Myspace.com on

OCALA, Fla. – Wesley Snipes talked briefly with reporters yesterday after leaving the courthouse where he had just pleaded not guilty to eight counts of federal income tax fraud. The star of Jungle Fever and other films said that he was so certain of prevailing “in the face of these racially motivated

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears may soon have the Los Angeles Department of Animal Welfare (DAW) up her recently covered butt. Sources tell our sister publication, Them Weekly, that a case worker from DAW has been trying to contact Ms. Spears since she told her husband Kevin Federline to piss

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, who would not exist if we hadn’t needed to make them up, have announced to a largely indifferent world the end of their romantic involvement—for the third damn time. At this point like who gives a shit? What free-thinking, self-respecting person

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan has attended several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), a former assitant to the singer-actress revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Lohan meets with the group three or four times a week in “a couple

NEW YORK – U2’s lead singer, Bono, perennially one of the worst-dressed white men in the world, has announced the cancellation of the clothing line for the fashion impaired that he and his wife founded last year. Called Edun, the moderately priced clothes were designed especially for people who look

LOS ANGELES – A tearful Pamela Anderson wrote on her website yesterday that no matter how many times she married Kid Rock, he came up short in the end compared to Tommy Lee. “I began to have my suspicions after our first wedding, the one on the yacht off St

ROME – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will exchange mood rings during a Scientology wedding ceremony this weekend at Odescalchi Castle on Lake Bracciano, twenty miles from Rome. According to a source inside the wedding party, the couple will merge their immortal thetans “for all eternity and beyond” in an

PHILADELPHIA – Pitchman Bill Cosby quietly settled a class action suit with an unspecified number of women who had accused him of drugging and sexually assaulting them in his home outside Philadelphia, his lawyer revealed yesterday. Terms of the settlement were not revealed. Speaking on behalf of the contingent of

NEW YORK – Lawyers representing the FedEx corporation announced yesterday that they are considering legal action against any member of the press who continues to use the term FedEx in reference to Britney Spears’ estranged husband, dancer-turned-rapper Kevin Federline. “My company believes it has a strong cease-and-desist case against persons who refer

HOLLYWOOD – Renee Zellweger stunned Hollywood yesterday by announcing that her current project, the thriller Case 39, will be her last live-action film. In a statement released by her production company, the Bridget Jones star declared that in the future she will lend her talents only to animated features. Whether this will include

CHICAGO – Kirstie Ally appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show in a modified bikini yesterday to favor the world with a peek at her new body. Unfortunately, twenty or so pounds of Ms. Alley’s old body were along for the perp walk. The fifty-five-year-old former actress lumbered self-consciously on stage to the

LOS ANGELES – An anonymous source at Cruise/Wagner Productions reports that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes may be close to settling on a tentative wedding date, perhaps as early as this month, perhaps not. The source also revealed that the couple will most likely marry in Europe or North America,