Culture

PERUGIA, Italy – No matter what happens when an Italian court reaches a verdict in the appeals trial of Raffaele Sollecito and Amanda Knox today, Mr. Sollecito says he is ready to be “my own man (un uomo con grandi testicoli),” not “a puppy on a leash,” as he has been called by the Italian Read More

HUNTSVILLE, Texas – The execution of Lawrence Brewer has reignited the controversy about the last meals traditionally served to inmates on death row. Mr. Brewer, forty-four, was executed in the Texas State Penitentiary last night for killing a handicapped black man thirteen years ago by dragging him from the back of a pick-up truck. Before Read More

Spoiler alert: if you’re a Paul McCartney fan with a weak heart, a receding hairline, or a “cool” kid on the debate team at high school, stop reading now. What follows won’t be a silly love song, Uncle Albert. This being said, it should also be said that it’s almost too easy to make sport Read More

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Researchers at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University were gobsmacked to learn that people cannot agree on what they mean when they say they’ve “had sex.” This conclusion was reached following phone interviews with a random sample of 204 men and 282 women living in Indiana. The respondents ranged in age from Read More

        WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Barbie doll turns fifty-one today, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House’s anti-childhood-obesity campaign. “If America’s young people looked more like Barbie and Ken, and less like Jack and Kelly Osbourne,” said the Read More

NEW YORK – Despite the success of the The Next Iron Chef last year, the Food Network is in danger of being pushed to near-campy irrelevance—the worst kind of irrelevance there is— by the Travel Channel’s No Reservations, Bizarre Foods, and Man v. Food. Who wants to see a pair of culinary school divas fussing about in an $8-million kitchen, Read More

BREWSTER, NY – Paul Marcarelli, better known to millions of television viewers as “the Verizon guy,” has been sued for sexual harassment and making terroristic threats by telephone. The suit was filed by Marcarelli’s ex-fiancee, Julia Richardson, in Brewster, NY, where Marcarelli lives.” According to Richardson, 33, she is the person to whom Marcarelli used Read More

MILPITAS, Calif. – Bono, U2’s crusading frontman, has set himself his most ambitious and difficult task to date: rescuing board games from neglect and despair. Toward that end the globe-trotting, name-checking, self-aggrandizing-but humble singer has announced the release of How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, a board game he designed to “reintroduce people everywhere to Read More

PHILADELPHIA – Gwyneth Paltrow’s halting performance in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy, proves that Aristotle knew what he was talking about when he said, “One swallow does not make a summer.” Ms. Paltrow, 36, who won an Oscar for her portrayal of Viola de Lesseps in 1998’s Shakespeare in Love, is in way over her head in Read More

NEW YORK – The long-awaited director’s cuts of the Rachael Ray sex videos, “Thirty-Minute Ménages” and “Rachael Ray for $40 a Day,” will be available this Friday. These never-before-released, artisanal creations, packaged in a black-truffle-scented, box-set edition, contain roughly sixty-nine minutes of additional, lip-smacking footage. “Sometimes you just can’t get all the junk into your Read More

VICARSTOWN, Sodor – Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett. The beloved tank engine was subjected to a perp push by another tank engine and the Angry Policeman, who lived up to his name by continually telling the paparazzi to “Fuck off!” According to Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Osama Bin Laden has released a popping new video to accompany the launch of his revolutionary September 11 Collection, which hits high-end shopping stalls in Muslim countries on Tuesday, the sixth anniversary of the deadliest attacks on the U.S. fashion industry. In the video a classically hip bin Laden, sporting a Read More