News

The First Principle of Electronic Communication was defined in a cartoon in the July 5, 1993, edition of the New Yorker. There are two dogs in the cartoon. One, who is seated at a desk in front of a computer, is saying to the other, “On the Internet no one knows you’re a dog.” This Read More

HOBOKEN, N.J. – John Wiley & Sons, publishers of the gratingly familiar black-and-yellow Dummies books, has sold more than 200 million of those jive, patronizing critters since DOS for Dummies crawled out of the ocean in 1991. In fact, with more than sixteen hundred titles already printed, Dummies is the world’s bestselling reference brand. It’s also getting Read More

WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.–The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) will begin unbaptizing dead people next month, says the group’s founder, the Reverend Philip Feral. Believed to be the first program of its kind in West Goshen Township, which was Money Magazine‘s eleventh-best small town in America in 2009, unbaptizing removes “the taint of baptism” Read More

BALTIMORE, MD — Researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s School of Medicine’s Internal Research Department have demonstrated that the sixties, a period of mythical renown in American culture, really were as “groovy” as some people claim. In the straightforward study, thirty-six carefully screened, non-drug-using subjects were given “magic mushrooms,” a popular recreational substance during the sixties, Read More

YONKERS, N.Y.-–The June digital issue of Consumer Reports magazine will contain the venerable product tester’s first-ever rating of patron saints. The long-awaited rating is expected to save consumers time and money in seeking heavenly intercession for any of an exhausting list of ailments, both mental and physical, as well as protection against all manner of crimes, pestilence, Read More

LONDON – A study has determined that men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer are nearly twenty-five times as likely to die from the disease as men who are prostate-cancer free. This conclusion was reached after a team of researchers had carefully recorded the causes of death of more than 300,000 men. Among the subjects Read More

WEST CHESTER, PA—I am proud to announce this morning that Postcards from the Pug Bus, the alt-right’s favorite satire site, is an official sanctuary website. As long as bat-shit-crazy college professors inflict their political views on their students, as long as the homonazis try to destroy a small business owner’s livelihood for making a perfectly legal decision, as long Read More

WEST CHESTER–A seventy-five-year-old woman, whose name was being withheld at press time, was found dead in her apartment yesterday afternoon, trapped by the weighted blanket under which she had been pinned for some time. Neighbors, who had not seen the woman for several days, alerted local police, who performed a wellness check, only to discover Read More

Dr. Malkowitz likens the attitudes toward shadow research to those that impeded research into the cognitive and emotional lives of animals until recently.

CHICAGO—American Medical Association (AMA) board member Deter Camel, MD, MPH, HMFIC, ended weeks of speculation when he announced yesterday that the association will discontinue its practice of giving “elitist foreign names” to phobias. Dr. Camel made the announcement during his weekly radio address, which is broadcast live to AMA members in operating rooms throughout the Read More

BENTONVILLE, Ark. – Wal-Mart will no longer sell Chinese toothpaste in its United States outlets. The global retail giant announced yesterday that it was taking this step after receiving numerous complaints from its American customers. “You’ve heard that old joke about Chinese food?” asked Wal-Mart’s executive vice president of oral hygiene, Champ Myers. “The one Read More

WINGHAM, Near Sandwich, Kent, Next to Blasingstone-on-Avon England—A potentially embarrassing iPhone 10 video in which Paul McCartney is seen attempting to buy marijuana in the rural village of Wingham, Kent, is in the sweaty hands of local authorities. Those of you who haven’t vaped your brains out completely yet may recall a typically vain announcement, Read More

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—Last Wednesday afternoon a mob of Trump supporters, many of them armed, was roaming about the Senate floor and the Capitol Rotunda looking for souvenirs and a spot of bother, having recently stormed past “security” guards and police on the east and west sides of the building. The mob was met with armed if Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of COVID-19 victims in the battered Dakotas region. Hurrying into the White House, wearing a defiant yellow slicker on his return from a golf outing yesterday afternoon, the president announced he would authorize that “up to ten additional days of Read More