News

PALO ALTO, Calif. – Scientists at Stanford University have discovered that two out of three Wal-Mart shoppers are deficient in obestatin, the so-called appetite-suppressing or obesity hormone that acts like a biological brake for another hormone that sparks hunger. Coincidentally the hunger-sparking hormone, gorgestatin, was found to be present in

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the internationally acclaimed satire site, Postcards from the Pug Bus, says he stands by the quotes he made up about Tom Cruise, “no matter what Tom Cruise says.” Those “pretend quotes” in which Cruise claimed to have been Shakespeare in

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts Jr. advised Attorney General William French Smith in 1982 that “it is a comfortable fit, philosophically” to seek legislation barring the use of quotas to remedy inequities in the use of briefs or boxers in the military. According to newly disclosed archival

NEW YORK – Eleanor Cook and Ray Hultman, two jurors who voted to acquit Michael Jackson of child molestation charges earlier this year, have admitted that while the members of the jury were supposed to be considering the merits of the charges against Jackson, they were making up versions of

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Yesterday the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that the popular erectile dysfunction drugs Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra should carry warnings on their labels advising users that the drugs may cause blindness. Unfortunately the warning came too late to save Gerald DeHaven from setting fire to

LOS ANGELES – Sources close to the investigation of a recent break-in at Pamela Anderson’s house say Courtney Love is their chief suspect in the case. An unknown individual broke into Anderson’s house, rifled through her underwear drawer, then looted her Amana Upright Freezer. “We were puzzled by the perp’s

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – The recent attacks on Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio have inspired California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to ask the state legislature to pass a law that would make attacks on movie stars a hate crime. “We cannot stand by while our best and our brightest are sitting targets

LONDON – Scientologist Tom Cruise was “attacked” last night by a Harry Potter fan wielding a water pistol disguised as a microphone. The attack occurred as Cruise was talking to some of the five thousand fans who had packed Leicester Square for the star-studded premiere of “War of the Worlds”

PINELLAS PARK, Fla. – What if Terri Schiavo could have keep a diary? What if, instead of being in a vegetative state, Ms. Schiavo had been in some kind of divinely omniscient, idiot savant state, all wise and all knowing? Would her comments about the controversy that swirled around her

SANTA MARIA, Calif. – The twelve people who will decide whether Michael Jackson did indeed ply a thirteen-year-old former cancer patient with Mogen David 20/20 and erotic-shaped gummy bears is a jury of Michael’s peers in one significant way: none of them is black. The four-man-eight-woman jury, which ranges in

ATLANTA – Jennifer Wilbanks, America’s Runaway Bride, parlayed her fifteen minutes of fame into a half-hour cooking show as a result of pleading no contest to a felony charge of making false statements to police. Dressed in a black jogging suit and running shoes—but without her trademark multicolored afghan over

SANTA MARIA, Calif. – Celebrity lawyer Nancy Grace savagely attacked a Michael Jackson fan outside the Santa Maria courthouse yesterday during the vigil preceding the announcement of the jury’s verdict in Jackson’s child molestation trial. Grace, 45, was conducting sidewalk interviews among legions of Jackson faithful when a man in

INTRODUCTIONThe End of the Road There is no better way to breathe life into a career than by retiring. Like death, retirement is a great career move; unlike death, however, retirement does not have to be a one-and-done affair. The retiree still possesses options, one of which is to unretire—also

ATLANTA – Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks has been indicted by a grand jury on a number of counts related to her failure to return thirty-seven library books she borrowed from the Gwinnett County Public Library in Norcross, Georgia, last year. The indictment charges Wilbanks with thirty-seven misdemeanor counts of failure

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Two dangerously popular websites have crashed during the last four days after being innundated with visitors, apparently giving the lie to the notion that it’s impossible to be too rich or too thin. The first victim of its own richness, www.spicyparis.com, featured Paris Hilton, clad in