News

WASHINGTON, D.C.–An unnamed official with the National Security Agency (NSA) said that the organization’s recent vague terror warning—”We are positive that somebody, somewhere is planning something against the United Stares at some point in the future”—is an “unavoidable function” of the NSA’s “current systemic inability” to decode spoken Pig Latin. “We have the capability of Read More

ALLIANCE, OH—According to The Cat Fanciers’ Association (CFA), the world’s largest registry of pedigreed cats, the cat name used most frequently as a computer password among its members is Tiger. People who believe that registering and showing cats is even more futile that herding them predict that such members may have litter in their caprese. Read More

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa–A new study published in Applied Psychological Measurement suggests that the obesity epidemic has begun to make quantifiable inroads on the human soul. The study, conducted by a team of researchers from the Johns Hopkins University School of Social Psychometrics, was designed to replicate a century-old study that reported the weight of Read More

SAN ANTONIO – Johnson & Johnson, makers of No More Tears, electrified the proceedings of the American Urological Association yesterday by announcing the development of a drug that stops premature ejaculation in its tracks. That drug, dapoxetine, is made from the root of the Rabbit’s Foot cactus, a small, rapidly developing plant that grows wild Read More

LONDON – A study has determined that men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer are nearly twenty-five times as likely to die from the disease as men who are prostate-cancer free. This conclusion was reached after a team of researchers had carefully recorded the causes of death of more than 300,000 men. Among the subjects Read More

BATON ROUGE—A virus commonly found on toilet seats (TS-36) may be at the bottom of the obesity epidemic threatening to engulf the United States and to put a morbid strain on its gravity supply. Until now obesity was thought to be caused largely by overeating, prolonged residence below the Mason-Dixon Line, frequent attendance at cat Read More

Our culture is obsessed with going the extra mile, giving 110 percent, leaving it all on the field. Supermarkets are open 24/7/365 to satisfy our shopping needs from A-to-Z, while athletes routinely crow about taking their games to a whole ‘nother level. Into the midst of this maelstrom, like the voice of one hand clapping Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump announced this morning that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorism and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the Read More

WEST CHESTER,PA–Once known as The Athens of the East, this leafy college borough is bidding fair to become San Francisco East. Step one was the recent passage of a legally questionable ban on plastic bags. Step two, which preceded step one, as logic often does in colleges and their surroundings, is the number of students Read More

NEW YORK—President-elect Donald Trump said yesterday that he wants to see English become the official language in all fifty states. Currently English is the official language in thirty-two states, which require that state government business be conducted in English. “We must not allow ourselves to become a nation of Babels, like Canada, or Hawaii, which Read More

FLINT, MI—In his ongoing quest to delegitimize Donald Trump’s presidency, Michael Moore is now urging Americans to flush their toilets en masse when Mr. Trump takes the oath of office on inauguration day. “It’s our version of draining the swamp,” said Mr. Moore. “We call it swamping the drains.”         According to Mr. Moore, Read More

WEST CHESTER, PA—Thirty-six years ago today my favorite progressive was murdered. John Winston Lennon was the kind of person who wasn’t afraid to take off his clothes and stand up for what he thought was right. I think more progressives ought to follow his lead. Enough with all this pearl clutching and fainting, my fellow Read More

NEW YORK—Fresh off its revelation of the Democrats’ blueprint for attacking Jeff Sessions—Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general—WikiLeaks revealed this morning the identity of Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016: The White Half of Barack Obama. “If there truly is a forgotten man in America today, the white half of Barack Obama is it,” writes Time in Read More

 NEW YORK—Gennifer Flowers, one-time cum-dumpster for then governor of Arkansas, William Jefferson Blythe Clinton, says she will “go commando” at Monday night’s first presidential debate. Ms. Flowers, an “entertainment industry consultant and advocate for women’s rights,” was invited to the debate by Republican candidate Donald Trump. “Yeah, I reached out to her,” said Mr. Trump, Read More