News

CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three. Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955 as a market analyst. The venerable soupmaking firm had been

NASHVILLE – Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Who doesn’t love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent. He trains people; he rehabilitates dogs; he’s stinking rich; he’s the dog whisperer. Who doesn’t love him? As it turns out, a few of his

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. – Police are searching for a pair of 38-D breast implants obtained under false pretenses earlier this month. The breasts were lifted from the Route 70 Center for Plastic Surgery by a thirty-year-old, red-headed woman who used a bogus ID to pay the first of three, easy $4,000

WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J.- NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or who have otherwise been discommoded while using NuvaRing. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical company is launching Let Freedom Ring, an

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades, and free agent acquisitions and is primed to make a run for the playoffs when the 2010-1 terrorist-attack season begins September 1. “Al Qaeda’s a

MORGANTOWN, Penna.—Concerns about the value of Wal-Mart stock going forward from the El Paso shootings have decimated company morale, threatened the social fabric of many small communities, and led thousands of Wal-Mart employees to seek other career paths. Although Wal-Mart shares closed at $112.99 on Friday, just 1.8% below their

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The federal three-second guideline, which warns anyone against picking up food and eating it more than three seconds after it has been dropped, will be extended to six seconds for the remainder of the current recession, according to a U.S. Department of Agriculture spokesperson. “With so many

Special to the Pug Bus from T.J. Eckleburg WEST CHESTER, Penna. — Pope Benedict XVI will visit West Chester, Pennsylvania, Wednesday evening, a member of the pope’s entourage has confirmed. According to the pope’s traveling appointments secretary, Cardinal Alfonso Dente, “His Holiness is eager to see the mystery horse on

ATLANTA – A spokesman for Porsche Cars North America denies that his company has “any plans whatsoever” to introduce a limited edition Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera model. “This [rumor] is vile and detestable,” said Dieter von Richthofen, director of public information for Porsche (porsh-uh). “I don’t know how this kind

ALEXANDRIA, Vir. – Inspired by reports touting the success of the military surge in Iraq, which is credited with driving an 8-percent increase in foot traffic and impulse buying at the Baghdad Mall, the Salvation Army has announced plans to roll out a similar strategy beginning on Black Friday. “If

LAS VEGAS—CNN veteran newsman Wolf Blitzer was found bloody, naked, and unconscious in his dressing room last night following the Democratic presidential candidates’ debate at the University of Nevada. The grizzled, heavly tattooed Mr. Blitzer, who moderated last night’s gathering, was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he remained in

BOSTON – David Ajemian, the Roman Catholic priest who was arrested last week in New York for allegedly stalking Conan O’Brien, has been reassigned to the Vatican, a papal spokesman announced today. The Reverend Ajemian, better known as Father Flipper, will serve as the entertainment industry liaison under another well-known

NEW YORK – Robert Chambers Jr., whom you may remember as the “Preppy Killer,” told police last night that the drugs found in the apartment he shares with his long-time companion, Shawn Kovell, belong to Ms. Kovell. Mr. Chambers, 41, made this revelation after he and Ms. Kovell, 39, had