News

DULUTH, Minn. – The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) prevailed yesterday in its efforts to stamp out copyright infringement by Native American single mothers of two children. Jammie Thomas, 30, who was found guilty of “musical terrorism” related to alleged online music-sharing activities, now owes the RIAA $222,000 for making twenty-four songs, including Sarah Read More

NEW YORK—Rudy Giuliani may have skipped the GOP presidential debate at historically black Morgan State University last night, but his absence does not mean he won’t take African American issues seriously, a Giuliani spokesman said today. “The mayor wants to reassure his African American base that he is in touch with his inner blackness,” said Read More

LONDON – The latest Madeleine McCann “sighting” confirms an ironic phenomenon: sightings of the missing four-year-old are impeding the search for her by siphoning away time, money, and resources that could be spent more wisely applying thumbscrews to her parents. The most recent Madeleine sighting to come a cropper was in the village of Zinat, Read More

ATLANTA – It was meant to be Osama Bin Laden’s career revival, a triumphant return to form that would finally shush the incessant whispering that he was dead. Bin Laden, however, failed to live up to the moment when he kicked off CNN’s 911 Commemoration Awards on Tuesday. Dressed in a white hat, white shirt, Read More

LONDON – Pages purported to have come from Kate McCann’s diary have been photocopied and leaked to The Sun, England’s tabloid conscience. According to the paper’s managing editor, Malcolm Pease, the diary pages arrived via fax at The Sun‘s lifestyle desk late yesterday afternoon. “Independent handwriting experts have checked the writing against a sample of Kate McCann’s Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – General David Petraeus told Congress yesterday that President Bush’s surge in Iraq is working, but Operation Britney Spears will need more time before the fallen pop star can be entrusted with policing her own career. Meanwhile, said the nation’s top military commander, we must be patient and allow Ms. Spears “the time Read More

PORTIMAO, Portugal – Madeline McCann’s mother, Kate, has advanced to the suspect round in this season’s smash Portuguese television show Did You Kill Your Daughter?. Mrs. McCann, 39, whose daughter Madeleine, then three, went missing on May 3, spent eleven hours before the cameras yesterday, patiently providing answers to the shows host, First Sergeant Carlos Rodrigues. Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Li Ming, a graduate assistant in computer science at West Chester University, was arrested and charged with identity theft yesterday after trying to obtain a driver’s license under false pretenses. “It’s the damnedest thing I ever heard of,” said West Chester chief of police, Brad Furlong. “Mr. Li visited the department Read More

LOS ANGELES – Former comedian Jerry Lewis apologized yesterday “to illiterates everywhere” for a remark he made during the 207th hour of his annual Labor Day telethon. “I apologize to the fifteen people who were still awake at that point in my telethon, which raised a record $63.7 million for the Muscular Dystrophy Association,” said Read More

BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig (R-Teahouse) has retained Michael Vick’s attorney Billy Martin to represent him in a fight to clear his name and to regain his seat in the Senate. “My client did not technically engage in—nor does he actually condone—cockfighting,” declared Mr. Martin, “and I have to wonder why he is Read More

BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig says he plans to introduce legislation in Congress that will mandate the placement of toilet cams in all airport restrooms. In fact, the senator said in a press release yesterday, “I plan to make toilet cam legislation the centerpiece of my reelection campaign.” According to Senator Craig, every Read More

BOISE, Idaho – Senator Larry Craig assured his constituents, his god, and his family yesterday that he is not gay, but he does suffer from Gayrette’s Syndrome, “an unfortunate tendency” to act gay in public restrooms. “I am making this bold and courageous admission today so that other men with my condition—and it is a condition, not Read More

KAJAKI, Afghanistan – A United States military commander in Afghanistan said yesterday that three British soldiers killed by “a friendly airstrike” on Thursday would still be alive today if “somebody hadn’t been talking on a cell phone when he shouldn’t have been.” According to Lieutenant General Rip Redstone, “A combat patrol is no place to Read More

NEW YORK – Computers at the campaign headquarters of Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani were used to make fifteen changes to Mr. Giuliani’s Wikipedia page last week, earning America’s Mayor the Virgil Griffith award for the period ending August 18. This soon-to-be-notorious award is named after Virgil Griffith, the CalTech graduate student who created Wikiscanner, a program that Read More

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI devoted his annual Easter address to a condemnation of the violence on HBO’s hit series The Sopranos and to a call for peace among the warring factions on the show, which, coincidentally, aired the first of its final nine episodes last night. The pope began by warning thousands of Christians assembled Read More