News

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed her seventeenth child into the world at 10:01 a.m. Thursday at a Rogers, Arkansas, hospital. Said Jim Bob, a former state representative who now sells real estate, “We are just so grateful to god for another gift of life.” The Duggars, it turns out, should Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee challenged Sicko creator Michael Moore “to take off his shirt and show us what he’s hiding.” Mr. Huckabee also charged that Mr. Moore’s body mass index is so high he’ll soon have to breathe by blowing water through a hole in the middle of his shoulders. “Anybody with a set Read More

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates – Queen Elizabeth 2, the majestic traveler who inspired millions of people around the world during her fifty-five year reign, has been sold to a Dubai-owned company for $100 million. Istithmar, the state-owned company that purchased QE2, as she is known to her many admirers, plans to restore the venerable monarch Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Robert Zoellick, whom President Bush has nominated to head the World Bank, was chosen largely because “he is not just another pretty face,” said a White House source yesterday. According to the source, President Bush “learned his lesson the hard way” after Paul Wolfowitz had made one too many unauthorized deposits in Read More

LONDON – The parents of Madeline McCann will launch the European leg of their world tour with a visit to Pope Benedict on Wednesday, Mojo magazine announced in the “Scene & Noted” section of its website today (May 28). Kate and Gerry McCann, whose daughter went missing on May 3 after they had left her and her Read More

FORT Dix, N.J. – Another alert clerk has foiled an attempt to compromise United States interests at the Fort Dix army base in New Jersey. The clerk, whose name is being withheld at the request of military officials, works at a UPS store in Centerville, Delaware. The unnamed clerk became suspicious when a bearded man Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Angelina Jolie has been tapped to replace Paul Wolfowitz as president of the World Bank. President Bush is expected to delay making the formal announcement until early next week, however, in order to give Mr. Wolfowitz time to gild his parachute, and Mr. Bush time to prepare for his Saturday Night Live appearance with Read More

NEW YORK – Rosie O’Donnell is giving her seat on The View to Don Imus as of June 1, a source close to the show said this morning. The move, which promises to be the most talked about development in television since the Katie Couric Photoshopped-image scandal, caught critics with their laptops down. “Nobody saw that one Read More

NEW YORK – The estate of Cho Seung-Hui, the former Virginia Tech student who killed thirty-two people last week, has been sued by the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America ) for illegally downloading more than ten thousand songs. The $100-million suit, $10,000 per song times ten thousand songs, is believed to be the largest Read More

FAIRFAX, Vir. – The shootings at Virginia Tech University this week have inspired the NRA (National Rifle Association) to draft a plan to prevent similar mass murders on college campuses. The NRA proposal, called No Student Left Unarmed, would require every college student in the United States to carry the firearm of his or her Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A source at the World Bank has confirmed that the controversial Paul Wolfowitz credit card will be recalled. The announcement came after the World Bank’s twenty-four-member executive board met in a catered, sleep-over session last night on a yacht in the Potomac River. “Mr. Wolfowitz’ use of the credit card to obtain Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Less than twenty-four hours after MSNBC had fired radio personality Don Imus for calling the Rutgers women’s basketball team “nappy-headed hos,” President Bush granted Mr. Imus an executive pardon. The text of President Bush’s pardon was read on the air by Mr. Imus at the conclusion of his fundraiser this morning. “I Read More

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Harvard is expected to name its first gay female impersonator president today in an historic outreach that MoveOn.org has called “a three bagger for diversity.” Harvard, the nation’s oldest university, has never had a female, much less a gay female impersonator, president in its 371-year history. The appointment of Drew Gilpin Faust Read More