News

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hoping to maximize the public relations bounce from the news of Saddam Hussein’s hanging, President Bush had planned to ask Angelina Jolie to attend the execution of the deposed Iraqi dictator as the official representative of the United States. Unfortunately the president’s top military advisors failed to calculate the time difference between Read More

NEW YORK – Rosie O’Donnell, basking in the attention generated by her feud with Donald Trump, has attacked Betty Ford and the late James Brown. Ms. O’Donnell, formerly a magazine editor and talk show host, and currently one-third by volume of ABC’s The View, called Mrs. Ford “a whining titless wonder” during a tribute to former Read More

MALIBU – Mel Gibson has apologized to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for failing to attend Review of the Holocaust: Global Vision, the scholarly conference that “reexamines” long-established facts about the Holocaust. The high-profile conference, hosted by President Ahmadinejad in Tehran this week, drew sixty-one participants from thirty-seven countries. A high-placed source at the conference has Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold and unprecedented move the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has filed a $22.5-million lawsuit against Jenna and Barbara Bush. The Bush twins, 25, are accused of downloading more than twenty thousand music files illegally from the popular file-sharing site Shareaza. “We filed this suit to show music pirates Read More

LONDON – When former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko died of radioactive poisoning two weeks ago, his face was a moonscape of festering boils, his eyes glowed in the dark like a cat’s, and his urine sent up clouds of hissing, odiferous steam when it hit the bowl. At first British medical authorities mistook these symptoms Read More

CRAWFORD, Texas – A medical image taken with the latest Ham-corder technology revealed an imprint of President George W. Bush’s face on former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s prostate. The startling image, stolen from the office of a board-certified urologist in Crawford, Texas, where Mayor Giuliani is employed in the presidential motor pool, appeared yesterday Read More

LAPLAND, Fla. – Mark Foley (R-FL) quietly slipped into a rehab facility for alcoholism treatment last weekend. In a statement read by his attorney, Mr. Foley said, “I strongly believe I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and other behavioral problems.” Mr. Foley, a 52-year-old bachelor who co-chaired Read More

ST. PAUL, Minn. – A report in the British medical journal The Lancet contains good news for men who suffer from the thrill of sexual excitement but the agony of premature ejaculation. In a study conducted at the University of Minnesota, a new drug called dapoxetine stoped premature ejaculation in its tracks. Dapoxetine is made from the Read More

CAIRNS, Australia – The recent death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has occasioned a flood of rumors the likes of which have not been seen on the Internet since the death of Princess Diana, an event to which the passing of Mr. Irwin has been likened. Not even tales of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s Read More

BRISBANE, Australia – The death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has left the stingray world scrambling to effect damage control. Mr. Irwin, 44, died today after being stung by a bull ray on the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state. He and several members of his film crew were stingray gigging. “We’re just devastated,” Read More

DETROIT – Concerned about the increasing rate of “irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior” exhibited by SUV drivers, not to mention escalating gasoline prices, Ford announced today that it is recalling 24,000 owners of its Ford Expedition and Lincoln Navigator series in the first of a planned schedule of recalls. “We have notified these persons by Read More

BANGKOK – John Mark Karr, who rocketed from shadowy insignificance to worldwide infamy on Wednesday by confessing to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, has now fingered himself in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. The forty-one-year-old school teacher made his second blockbuster confession in two days yesterday. “I was in love with Natalee Holloway,” said Mr. Read More

BANGKOK – John Mark Karr, who was arrested in Bangkok yesterday for questioning about the murder of six-year-old American beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, told police he was with Ms. Ramsey when she died nearly ten years ago, but her death was a suicide. Mr. Karr, 41, a former substitute teacher in California, had been under Read More

LONDON – A photo of Princess Diana published in the Italian magazine Chi drew an irate response from the media in Britain yesterday. In the black-and-white photo Princess Di is being administered oxygen in the wreckage of the car crash that killed her August 31, 1997. Ironically, Britain’s normally shameless tabloid newspapers, the bane of Diana’s existence Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Jeremy Piven, who has played sidekicks and eccentrics in more than three dozen films during the last twenty years, is the inspiration of Richard Dean, 23, a teller at First National Bank of West Chester. When he was interviewed for the current edition of the bank’s monthly newsletter, First National News, Mr. Read More