News

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. – While e-commerce analysts describe what is expected to be a war for the minds and wallets of Internet shoppers between Google Checkout and PayPal, the most important feature of Google Checkout has gone virtually unremarked. Checkout is based on a new currency issued by Google: the Googlerand. “The days of geophysical Read More

RAMADI , Iraq – Thousands of Sunnis rioted after a U.S. military official had leaked a copy of a twenty-five-minute sex tape found in the rubble of the “safe house” where Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed on Wednesday. The tape, which somehow survived the bomb blast that killed Mr. al-Zarqawi and seven of his associates, Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing rising gasoline prices as the “greatest threat to our mission in the United States,” Osama bin Laden advised Al-Qaida members at work in America to walk or to ride bicycles when they visit Internet cafes to plan their next attack. “In your struggle to bring down the corrupt regime of George Read More

MEXICO CITY – Nearly three dozen illegal American immigrants took to the street in Mexico City yesterday to protest what they called “exploitation” at the hands of the Mexican government. Humming Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” and waving tiny Mexican and American flags, the well-dressed demonstrators said they deserve better treatment under the law Read More

SONOMA, Calif. – Jerry Garcia’s toilet is missing, and local police want to speak to hall of fame basketball player Bill Walton. The salmon-colored, guitar-shaped commode with a hand-painted peace sign on the underside of the lid disappeared recently from a driveway along with three other toilets and a bidet, said a police spokesman. Mr. Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Postal Service marked the latest increase in the price of a first-class stamp (from 37 to 39 cents for the first ounce) by releasing the R. Kelly comemorative issue. The release date, January 8, is timed to coincide with Mr. Kelly’s thirty-ninth birthday. “We thought the synchronicity of Mr. Read More

TALLMANSVILLE, W.Va.- Hundreds of Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) workers arrived in this mining town late last night and began going door to door in a search for relatives of the thirteen miners who have been trapped below the surface of the Sago Mine since early yesterday morning. FEMA, determined to prove that it is Read More

DALLAS – A music teacher in a Dallas suburb told a class of six- and seven-year-old students that a favorable news story about Santa Claus in Our Weekly News, a popular elementary school news magazine, was a hoax. Marshall “Slim” Mathers, a teacher in Richland Elementary School, responded to a question about the story from one Read More

VIRGINIA BEACH, Vir. – When King Kong opens at more than 3,500 theaters across the United States today, people attending many of those theaters will be greeted by protesters from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). According to a PETA press release, members of the radical animal rights group will be demonstrating against “the wonton Read More

CHICAGO, Ill. – A study conducted by the American Medical Association (AMA) suggests that grossly overweight women are more likely to skip treatment for conditions that can normally be alleviated with antibiotics. The study, sponsored by WalMart Inc. and Lane Bryant, found that overweight women often skip appointments to receive posterior injections of antibiotics because Read More

LOS ANGELES – Tara Reid, who turned thirty yesterday, is still toasting the occasion. Reid’s marathon birthday party, which began around sundown Monday, was in its thirty-eighth hour when Reid was sighted staggering out of an after-hours club this morning with Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline in tow. Recently crowned the biggest party animal in Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Ignoring the historically poor performance records of sperm banks, indie film actor Vincent Gallo is offering to sell his sperm for $1 million. According to Gallo’s official website, that price covers “all costs related to attempt at an in vitro fertilization.” The price does not include naming rights, however. Any child Read More

DISNEYLAND – What was to be a triumphant weekend debut for Walt Disney Studios Chicken Little was marred by the news that the hero of this newly released animated feature has been stricken with the Asian bird flu. Therefore, instead of crowing, Disney issued a tersely worded press release today, confirming rumors that had been flying around Read More

TIMONIUM, Md. – One of the most inspiring stories to emerge from the national flood of sympathy for the victims of Hurricane Katrina is the manner in which New Orleans’ prostitutes have been welcomed with open arms in cities across the United States. Like most of Katrina’s victims, New Orleans’ working girls lost not only Read More

PALO ALTO, Calif. – Scientists at Stanford University have discovered that two out of three Wal-Mart shoppers are deficient in obestatin, the so-called appetite-suppressing or obesity hormone that acts like a biological brake for another hormone that sparks hunger. Coincidentally the hunger-sparking hormone, gorgestatin, was found to be present in abnormal amounts in the same Read More