Politics

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hillary Clinton has elected to move up the debut of her cosmetics line in hopes of gaining separation from presidential rivals Barack Obama and John Edwards in time for the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries. Called Clintonique, the senator’s line of beauty care and grooming products was scheduled for a Summer 2008 Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush will pardon the National Thanksgiving Tofurky in a ceremony to be televised tomorrow from the White House lawn. By pardoning the tofurky—which is made from a blend of wheat gluten, tofu, soy by-products, bran flakes, and “real turkey flavor”—the president hopes to demonstrate his commitment to the fight Read More

LOS ANGELES – The immigration debate, which has divided the Republican party, has divided illegal immigrants, too, with a slight majority of them believing President George W. Bush should be allowed to remain in the White House even though he “sneaked in through the back door.” By a six-to-five margin, illegal immigrants interviewed at rallies Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – When President Bush returns to Washington early this week, he is expected to name Jessica Simpson as the face of his newest educational initiative: No Child Left Unpaid. Desperate to claim any success before his administration is consigned to the shitheap of history, and to demonstrate that he, too, can nail celebrity Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush hailed the killing of the Taliban’s top one-legged military strategist, Mullah Dadullah, as a “sure sign” the United States “has turned the corner” in the war on handicapped terrorists. “In the end, like all handicapped enemies of freedom, [Dadullah] didn’t have a leg to stand on,” said the Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has scheduled a press conference for tomorrow morning at which she is expected to explain why her name appears on the client list of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the notorious DC madam. Ms. Clinton hastily called the press conference today after The Drudge Report had claimed that her Read More

NEW YORK – Former vice president Al Gore believes breast feeding can play a significant role in deterring the rise of global warming. Speaking yesterday afternoon at the Earth Institute’s annual solar picnic in New York’s Central Park, Mr. Gore declared, “If one out of two mothers in developed countries were to breast feed their Read More

GALLOWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. – When New Jersey governor Jon Corzine was bouncing around inside his official SUV about six o’clock last Thursday night, like a rag doll in a Kenmore dryer, he couldn’t know that the site of his accident, Mile Marker 43.5 on the Garden State Parkway, would become the latest shrine erected by Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former MSNBC personality Don Imus was pardoned by President Bush yesterday in a surprising exercise of executive privilege. The timing of the pardon was unusual. Outgoing presidents generally issue pardons on their last day in office right before catching the helicopter out of Washington. Some observers are speculating, therefore, that by acting Read More

DES MOINES, Iowa – Hillary Clinton will reap the benefit of “a selfless political decision” by her one time presidential rival, former two-term Iowa governor Thomas Vilsack. Governor Vilsack, 56, demonstrated “statesmanlike vision” by dropping out of the presidential race last month, said a press release issued from the governor’s campaign head-quarters, and now he Read More

NEW YORK – John Edwards may have squandered the sympathy vote already with his remarks during a 60 Minutes interview with Katie Couric, which was taped Saturday in Las Vegas and aired last night. Prior to his 60 Minutes appearance, several polls had indicated a shift in the sympathy vote toward Mr. Edwards, a former senator and vice presidential Read More