Politics

WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush told an audience at a fundraiser here last night that he plans to redesign the United States monetary system, beginning with the ubiquitous dollar bill. Arguing that the dollar’s “cheesy appearance” is responsible for its poor showing against major currencies in world financial markets, the president declared, “I have Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush told reporters yesterday that his plans to call up selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq and Afghanistan did not amount to a backdoor draft. In response to a question from CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, the president declared, “How can this be Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following a visit to church yesterday, President Bush declared victory over Saddam Hussein’s seventeen-day hunger strike. The determined-looking president said that Mr. Hussein had been made to realize “he is no longer a ruthless, bloodthirsty dictator who can withhold food from himself or his people on a whim. “Whether Saddam likes it Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Salim Ahmed Hamdan, the short and slight Yemeni who was once Osama bin Laden’s driver, must receive a trial with new, congressionally approved procedures. Before the court’s ruling, President George W. Bush wanted to try Mr. Hamdan in three feet of frog-infested water because, Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush told his weekly radio broadcast audience Saturday that he believes the constitution should be amended to ban same-sex-only vacation cruises. The move is widely seen as a bid to shore up the president’s collapsing support among conservative voters and vacationers. President Bush attacked what he called “activist vacation Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush has warned Americans that the Memorial Day cell phone virus, the most virulent in-the-wild mobile phone virus yet discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teenagers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging vacationers across the land. During his weekly radio address yesterday, the president hinted Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush said last night that he will deploy 8,000 Spanish-speaking Jehovah’s Witnesses to the Mexican border to help stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States. Acknowledging that this country has virtually no control of its southern border, Mr. Bush argued in a prime time speech to the nation Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush will announce during his weekly radio address today that he is taking the place of Paul Marcarelli, the long-time face of Verizon Wireless advertising, in a new series of commercials designed to sell Americans on the next phase of the president’s domestic spying initiative. As part of that Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following a private White House screening of American Dreamz, President George W. Bush told reporters that the comedy, which stars Dennis Quaid as an amiable dimwit who believes God chose him to lead the country, sends the wrong message about America. “People who don’t know anything about America won’t learn much from watching American Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Left high and dry by declining poll numbers and eroding public confidence, George W. Bush continues his shakeup of the White House in an effort to salvage his second term. Yesterday Scott McClellan, the sweaty, pink-faced presidential press secretary, resigned; and Karl Rove, the sweaty, pink-faced deputy chief of staff known as Read More