Religion

VATICAN CITY–In yet another move that Catholics are applauding the world over, Pope Francis I announced yesterday that he plans to go trick or treating this Halloween. The pope’s decision is being called a historic one, as he will be the first pope in the Modern Papal Era (post 1231 CE) to participate actively in Read More

St. Benedict is the patron saint of Europe, kidney disease, food poisoning, hemorrhoids, and school children. He is recognized as the greatest influence on after dinner drinks in the West. Born into a distinguished family in central Italy during the fifth century, Benedict studied art and interior design at Rome. He fled Rome after one Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement faxed to the editor of THEM Weekly magazine, God the Father Almighty chided presidential candidate Rick Perry for using the theory of intelligent design “to suck up to people who claim they speak for me or, worse yet, people who claim that I have spoken directly to them.” God explained that Read More

MULESHOE, Texas – Governor Rick Perry told an audience at the First Evangelical Church of the Chosen Flock last night that schools in Texas should stop teaching “the heathen theory of domestication.” Speaking at the conclusion of the church’s annual snake handling festival, Governor Perry declared, “Just like the pagan theory of evolution ought to Read More

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–Despite chowder heads’ insistence that conflate means “to confuse,” conflate means “to combine two or more texts, ideas, or fanciful stories into one.” A case in point is the Nativity story, popular this time of year. It combines the stories of Jesus’ birth, which are found only in the gospels attributed to St. Matthew and Read More

HEAVEN – God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: “I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that Read More

VATICAN CITY — Following months of speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church. The pope’s decision was made public Saturday in a decree entitled Igpay Atinlay Ulesray. Known as the Igskinpay rite, the Pig Read More

HEAVEN – Pet owners took one in the shorts from The Lord God Almighty today when He issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets are made young and healthy again while they wait for their owners to Read More

REDMOND – Wash. – Microsoft’s CEO Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, “the inspired binary word of the Lord,” is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama’s Silicone Holler. The company produces “salvation software for Jesus geeks.” Gates also announced that Glossolalia Read More

LUXEMBOURG – God has claimed full responsibility for the mysterious Skype outage that left an estimated five to six million of his subjects unable to make phone calls or to send instant messages via the popular Internet-based service last week. In an instant message sent to every Skype subscriber yesterday, god declared not only that Read More

NEW YORK – Someone stole the penis from the nude, anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ that had been scheduled to go on display in New York tomorrow night. The theft was discovered early this morning by a custodian at the Lab Gallery in the Roger Smith Hotel, where the exhibition was to have Read More