Religion

NEW YORK – Sarah Silverman has had her last orgasm if God’s followers have anything to say about it. Friends of the Big Guy are praying that Ms. Silverman’s morning-after kiss off, seen last week on the season’s finale of her Comedy Central show, will come back to bite her on the ass—something she apparently Read More

NEW YORK – Oscar-winning director James Cameron believes that inscriptions on the tombs of the J.H. Christ family “should settle once and for all” any lingering questions about Jesus’ sexuality. Mr. Cameron is the producer of The Lost Tomb of Jesus, which airs Sunday on the Discovery Channel. He argues that ten small caskets discovered in Read More

HEAVEN – Windows Vista, Microsoft’s controversial new operating system, has incurred the wrath of God. The Supreme Power User, operating through his purchasing agent, the Holy Spirit, was one of the first to buy Vista when it went on sale Tuesday. He paid $299 (US) for the Vista Ultimate upgrade, the most powerful of Vista’s Read More

LOS ANGELES – Rocky Balboa climbing off the canvas. Jesus Christ climbing out of the tomb. Mere similarities with no causal connection? Not according to Sylvester Stallone, who told Christian leaders in a conference call yesterday that the six movies in the Rocky series are “the inspired word of God.” “Rocky is Jesus, fighting the devil, who Read More

ATLANTA – In addition to the usual security problems, the Microsoft corporation’s latest operating system, Windows Vista, has some patching to do with special interest groups. The groups’ complaints arose after the latest Vista pep rally, this one during a sales-staff meeting held in Atlanta on Monday. The meeting resembled an embarrassing high school assembly Read More

NASSAU, Bahamas – The Lord God Almighty denied playing any role in the recent commitment ceremony between former stripper Anna Nicole Smith and her boyfriend-attorney, Howard K. Stern. The ceremony—which took place “before God,” according to a statement issued by TrimSpa, the dietary supplement endorsed by Ms. Smith—was held onboard a catamaran anchored off Blackbeard’s Read More

NEW YORK – The Lord God Almighty declared yesterday that He is “damn sick and tired of hearing about that whole mess between Israel and Hezbollah.” God made this revelation in a sternly worded e-mail delivered to the office of UN secretary-general, Kofi Annan. “I can appreciate the solace that religion brings to people who Read More

COLUMBUS, Ohio – The leadership of the American Association of Gay and Lesbian Bishops (AAGLB) resorted to eleventh-hour lobbying in an attempt to save its membership in the International Synod of Gay Clergy (ISGC). During a marathon session last night, AAGLB whips persuaded the rank and file of both the top and bottom houses of Read More

OPP, Ala. – Explaining that he was “tired of saying yes to every loser with his you-know-what in a wringer,” the Lord God Jesus Christ announced yesterday that he would enter fewer hearts this year. “Don’t write a check with your behavior that you can’t cash with your prayers,” warned Our Holy Redeemer, who spoke Read More

ROME – This time last year the late Pope John Paul II appeared to be on the fast track to sainthood. Reports of two miracles alleged to have occurred at the pontiff’s tomb had Catholics the world over declaring that sainthood for their beloved pontiff was a done deal. In a cruel twist of fate, Read More

HEAVEN – Those who know him say Jesus Christ is distraught over the cancellation of NBC’s controversial religious drama The Book of Daniel, which was pulled after four of its scheduled eight episodes had been aired. “He hasn’t been this upset since he drove the money changers from the temple,” said Jesus’ close friend the Holy Read More

NEW ORLEANS – New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin, assured the people of the United States that God had accepted his apology. Mayor Nagin, the latest in a long line of political and religious figures who purport to know the mind of the Almighty, announced yesterday that God not only was not mad at the American Read More

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN – The Lord God Jesus Christ is “sore displeased” with the Disney Corporation. Through a special arrangement with Google, Jesus issued via Gmail a simultaneous statement to 4,500 news sources around the world, disavowing “any craven attempt to profit from the unauthorized use of My image as the Lion of Judah.” “My Read More

VIRGINIA BEACH, Vir. – Calling the shooting deaths of Michael and Cathryn Borden “the home schooling movement’s very own Columbine,” televangelist Pat Robertson urged parents who home school their children to install metal detectors in their houses. The Bordens, both 50, who home schooled the three youngest of their five children, resided near the village Read More