SAN FRANCISCO—Rigs-R-Us, the nation’s leading manufacturer of “smoking enhancement technology for the socially conscious,” offered refunds today to any customers who bought a Colin Kaepernick Puffco Peak dab rig that would not start. The Kaepernick model ($399.99 MSRP), was introduced to coincide with the start of the National Football League season three weeks ago. It Read More
WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God Almighty is more than a little miffed by Carson Wentz’ three-pick performance in the Eagles 48-7 loss to the New Orleans Saints yesterday. Immediately following the game, the Lord placed Wentz on waivers. “Opey went up in flames like Joan of Arc,” said the Lord. “Three interceptions! He should spend more Read More
LAS VEGAS – O.J. Simpson, claiming that he is “really innocent this time,” was booked Sunday evening on two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and one count each of armed burglary, conspiracy, and wearing golf shoes in a hotel room. The charges were brought against Read More
CHICAGO—Born That Way, a militant, self-described “queer rights” group, condemned the recent engagement of two fellows named Michael and Jake at halftime of a Chicago Bulls home game. The stunt went down a treat with members of the OMG fainting-couch community. “The NBA’s First In-Game Gay Marriage Proposal Has Us Actually Crying It’s So Sweet,” Read More
NEW YORK—Black Lives Matter (BLM) has demanded that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning apologize to Dallas Cowboys black quarterback Dak Prescott for “disrespecting the brother” following the Giants 10-7 home victory over the Cowboys last Sunday. It’s difficult to imagine Eli Manning “disrespecting” anyone, apart from the New England Patriots in two Super Bowls. Read More
DURHAM, N.C. – Duke University’s men’s lacrosse team has been reinstated after team members found to be deficient in language arts successfully completed mandatory counseling, said university president, Richard Brodhead, yesterday. Mr. Brodhead ordered the counseling two months ago after an e-mail written by sophomore team member Ryan McFadyen, 19, of Mendham, N.J., had been Read More
NEW YORK—The National Basketball Association (NBA), bowing to pressure from the radical autism-rights group Autism Speaks (AS), has promised to install “a prorated number” of autism-friendly restrooms at next year’s all star game, “no matter where it’s ultimately played.” The league is already under pressure from LGBTQWERTY groups, who want the game moved from Charlotte, Read More
NEW YORK—British musical act Coldplay may have graciously yielded the stage at the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show to Bruno Mars and Beyonce Knowles, but Coldplay’s passive-aggressive civility did not fool all the people even some of the time. “Sure, they let Bey have a few moments on ‘their’ stage,” said Spike Lee, “but like Read More
CANCUN—Oscar nominee Charlotte Rampling said yesterday that “all this codswallop” about Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton, who is African American, “is racist to white quarterbacks.” Speaking on Telemundo’s “Centro de Deportes” in fluent Spanish, Ms. Rampling, 69, observed, “To my knowledge there have been only two black quarterbacks to win the Super Bowl. Doug Williams Read More
CHICAGO—In a move certain to raise eyebrows if not hem lines, Lane Bryant is set to introduce former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka as the new face of plus-size women’s clothing at a press conference tomorrow. Although Lane Bryant CEO Charles McKee would neither confirm nor deny this report, a source close to Coach Ditka Read More
HOUSTON–The National Football League promises that Super Bowl LI, scheduled to be played in Houston on February 5, 2017, will be “the most all-inclusive, welcoming, and gender-affirmative Super Bowl in history.” The foundation of all that welcoming and affirmation will be two hundred “special bowls,” the centerpieces of new gender-appropriate rest rooms to be installed Read More
As Tom Brady denied any wrongdoing in the illegal deflation of the footballs used by his New England Patriots in the first half of their 45-7 beat down of the Indianapolis Colts last Sunday, reporters at Mr. Brady’s press conference began to murmur among themselves uneasily. Their discomfort was not caused by the absurdity of Read More
WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God of Hosts is more than a little frustrated by his ninth-place standing in the twelve-team Wilmington, Delaware, North fantasy football league. At the midpoint of the 2013-14 season, the Heavenly Father’s IntelligentDesigners team is 2-6 in league competition. “We could just as soon be winless if it weren’t for a couple Read More
NEW YORK–Proving once again that it is capable of meeting any challenge, the Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) announced today that it will hold its championship series as scheduled, beginning this Sunday in Minneapolis, despite the current government shutdown. “We know that a lot of people may have been distracted (from the upcoming finals) by Read More
PHILADELPHIA–Allen Iverson, an eleven-time all-star who has not played in the National Basketball Association (NBA) since 2010, is set to announce his return to the league as Hip-Hop, the once and future mascot of the Philadelphia 76ers. According to SlamDunk.com, Mr. Iverson, 38, has yet to come to terms with the fact that his playing Read More
