Sporting Life

PHILADELPHIA–Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper started a conversation on race in America when he declared at a Kenny Chesney concert in June, “I will jump that fence and fight every nigger here, bro.” Mr. Cooper’s threat eventually went viral on the internet, prompting a shit rain of indignation over his outburst. Hoping to convince people Read More

PHILADELPHIA–The Philadelphia 76ers have made what might be their boldest move yet in an offseason filled with bold innovations. Yesterday General Manager Sam Hinkie announced that the 76ers will play in the Beko Turkish Basketball League for the entire 2013-14 season. “We had been weighing the analytic advantages of sending our second-round pick Arsalan Kazemi Read More

PHILADELPHIA – Despite knees that are as creaky as a forty-year-old Vietnamese prostitute’s, the Philadelphia 76ers recently acquired franchise center, Andrew Bynum, gave his team ten valuable minutes on the bench last night as the Sixers defeated the visiting Denver Nuggets 84-75 in the season opener for both teams.Mr. Bynum, 25, has not been able Read More

PHILADELPHIA — A Korean grocery store owner has identified Dwayne Wade as the person who robbed him at gun point in early February. Woo-jin Park, 57, said he recognized Mr. Wade, 30, in a picture of the Miami Heat basketball team that was published on the internet via Twitter last week. In that photo members Read More

MIAMI – NBA players will finally report to training camps tomorrow to prepare for the 2011-2012 season, which begins December 25 this year, nearly two months later than usual. At the start of most NBA seasons, players report to camp eager to pimp the Hummers and Ferraris they bought during their summer vacations. This is Read More

STATE COLLEGE, Penna, – When students learned that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had been diagnosed with lung cancer, they took to the streets by the thousands last night, clashing with police and overturning at least one medical vehicle. “Why don’t they leave Coach Paterno alone?” demanded Barry Martin, a political science major Read More

NEW YORK – Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it “more difficult for us to keep food on the table,” the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband. The move will give the players an opportunity to pursue a multibillion-dollar antitrust lawsuit against the league. The move could Read More

STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Ostensibly ex-Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired by the school’s board of trustees because he had failed to step up and be counted when he was told nine years ago that his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky had been observed buggering some helpless ten-year-old in the shower room in Read More

STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Penn State coaching legend Jerry Sandusky will offer a series of Jerry’s Kids Tiny Tots football camps for disadvantaged youth ages six to nine next summer. The sessions will be held at Camp Cowabunga, an Indian-theme campground north of Altoona, Pennsylvania. The Tiny Tots camps will be a departure for Coach Read More

HAPPY VALLEY, Penna. – Sandusky Blitz, long one of the limp dicks among the one hundred ice cream flavors offered at Penn State’s beloved Creamery, has suddenly thrust itself into the top five Creamery favorites. “I’m shocked to tell you the truth,” said Creamery manager Tim Brown. “We wouldn’t have hardly sold any Sandusky Blitz Read More

New YORK – Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it “more difficult for us to keep food on the table,” the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband. The move will give the players an opportunity to pursue a multibillion-dollar antitrust lawsuit against the league. The move could Read More

SAN FRANCISCO – Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum blames his dog, Cy, and others for the damage caused to a townhouse formerly occupied by Mr. Lincecum in San Francisco’s Mission District. In a disjointed phone call to The Jim Rome Show yesterday, Mr. Lincecum (13-14, 2.74 ERA) explained that his four-year-old French bulldog suffers from separation anxiety and Read More

PHILADELPHIA – When two pick-up teams featuring NBA stars LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, and others lace up their $1,200 sneakers at Philadelphia’s Palestra tonight, they will be shadowed by at least a dozen hookers who plan to mount a protest outside the storied gymnasium. They hope to make the public aware that the Read More

FOXBORO, Mass. – Alexa Flutie, who finally made the New England Patriots cheerleading team this year, should consider a move to the CFL (Canadian Football League), says one scout, who asked not to be identified. “She’s too small and too slow for the National Football League (NFL),” said the scout. “She’d do better in Canada, Read More