Sporting Life

BRISTOL, Conn. – Are we hallucinating or have college football uniforms become more and more gay looking these days? When your alma mater takes the field, do its team members look like football players or androgynous superheroes at a comic book convention? These are not rhetorical questions. If they were, ESPN would not have added an athletic Read More

LOS ANGELES – Jack Nicholson, the face of the Los Angeles Lakers, is close to signing with Maccabi Ashdod of the Israeli Basketball Super League, according to a report first aired on ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption yesterday. “There could be an announcement as early as this weekend,” a Maccabi team official told ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser. “We’re thrilled Read More

DAYTON, Ohio – The University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team might be the best women’s team ever assembled, but their Neilsen ratings suck. According to the Nielsen overnights for the UConn-Florida State game last night—which the Lady Huskies won 90-50—more people watched the on-screen news crawl than the actual game. “The game had a 1.2 Read More

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – A twenty-year-old college student has accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her at a nightclub early Friday morning. The student, whose name is being withheld by authorities, alleges that Mr. Roethlisberger placed his hands between her legs and bumped them against her suggestively several times. The alleged assault took Read More

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ victory parade was rained on by Las Vegas odds makers, who installed the Indianapolis Colts as 13:2 favorites to win next year’s Super Bowl. What’s more, the San Diego Chargers are second favorites at 8:1, while the Saints are tied for third with the New England Patriots at Read More

NEW YORK – During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s. “I was a walking MASH unit,” he said. Read More

NEW YORK, N.Y. -The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room a few days before Christmas. According to a team official, Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a back-up guard, strapped up Read More

TRUMBULL, Conn. – One day after Golf Digest had announced that it was suspending Tiger Woods’ popular instructional series, “Lay It As It Plays,” the final column in that series was leaked to the press. Entitled “Workin’ the Two Hole,” the article contained Mr. Woods’ most playful comments to date regarding his serial infidelities, but the magazine Read More

JUPITER ISLAND, Fla. – Tiger Woods revealed on his website this morning that he has decided to seek treatment for his tryptophan addiction. Mr. Woods also revealed that he was “high as a kite” the morning he shanked his SUV into the rough on his front lawn. “For several years now I have been tryptophan-dependent,” Read More

NEW YORK – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall announced today that all NFL players will wear slain Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor’s number on their jerseys in place of their own numbers for the remainder of the regular season. “The NFL is a family, dysfunctional or otherwise,” said Commissioner Goodall, “and when a family member dies, Read More

PHILADELPHIA – Las Vegas oddsmakers have reacted to the news that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss tomorrow night’s game against the undefeated New England patriots by dropping the spread on the game from twenty-four to sixteen points. “With Donovan out it’s a whole new dynamic,” said oddsmaker Vegas Vic. “The Eagles are a Read More

PHILADELPHIA – Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has gone deep again. His target this time is the perceived inequality in the treatment of white and black dogfighters. “Black dogfighters get criticized far more often than white dogfighters do,” Mr. McNabb told Philadelphia Inquirer columnist David Aldridge. “You saw what happened to Michael Vick. If that had been Tom Read More

PHILADELPHIA – Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb believes O.J. Simpson was framed for kidnapping, armed robbery, and hooliganism because he is “too black for the dominant white culture” that rules America. “Black man can’t fart without getting arrested in this country because we scare all y’all,” Mr. McNabb told Today host Matt Lauer this morning. “It’s a Read More

LAS VEGAS – O.J. Simpson is confident he did nothing wrong when he barged into a casino hotel room with a small posse to repossess items that, he claims, had been stolen from him. The hall-of-fame halfback believes “the law of double jeopardy” permits him to re-acquire “shit that is rightfully mines. “I know the Read More