Technology

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Norton Internet Security has quietly rolled out its you-can-check-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-can-never-leave uninstall policy. We learned about this new “safeguard” when we attempted to update our Java software and became the unsuspecting recipient of a free fifteen-day trial version of the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite as well. We do not remember specifically asking to lease Read More

MOSCOW – Edward Snowden’s diva-like demands are responsible for his remaining sequestered in the transit zone of Moscow’s Sheremetyevo international airport. Mr. Snowden has been living in a Red Roof Inn executive suite there since arriving in Moscow from Hong Kong on July 23. According to sources close to the situation, Mr. Snowden, 30, could Read More

PALO ALTO, Calif. – Apple watchers have begun what could be a long and winding effort to interpret the final words of Steve Jobs, who died of pancreatic cancer on October 5. Just before his death Mr. Jobs uttered the words that have sparked an interpretive frenzy, “Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.” This utterance, Read More

CUPERTINO, Calif. – As initial reports of the first miracles credited to the divine intervention of Steve Jobs began flickering across the digital divide, California Governor Jerry Brown declared Sunday October 16 “Steve Jobs Day” in Mr. Jobs’s home state of California. Mr. Brown tweeted the announcement last night, using the Twitter app on his Read More

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. – In a move that is certain to harsh the mellows of thousands of Phish fans, Google announced late yesterday that it has cancelled the release of the greatly anticipated Trey Anastasio app, which had been scheduled for release at 4:20 a.m. today, the singer’s forty-seventh birthday. Ronald Forbin, chief of quality Read More

NEW YORK – Concerned about the increasing rate of “irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior” exhibited by too many drivers, Toyota announced today that it is recalling 250,000 U.S. owners of RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Camry,Highlander, and Tundra models. “We have notified these persons by registered mail,” said Dennis E. Hamlin, vice president and general counsel Read More

PORTLAND, Ore. – Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have manipulated the DNA of skin cells obtained from Courtney Love to create monkey embryos from which stem cells were extracted three days later. This experiment, the first in which a primate embryo was created from a “superior species,” may lead to breakthroughs in the Read More

REDMOND, Wash. – A spokesperson for Microsoft blamed hackers for the company’s severance pay blunders, which resulted in some laid-off workers receiving too much severance pay while others received too little. “A weakness in our payroll program—or else in our calculator—was exploited by hackers at some point during the holiday season,” the spokesperson reported. “We Read More

SAN FRANCISCO – Cabir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Larry King Live yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl Jones hinted that Cabir may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice, Read More

REDMOND, Wash. – The Angelina Jolie virus, a new and potentially smothering computer virus, is set to strike computers around the world on Friday. Popularly known as the Black Mother Widow (BMW) virus, this dangerous scourge is thought to be the work of an Amsterdam-based group of hackers that calls itself Één meer Toke. Microsoft Read More

REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft’s co-founder Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, “the inspired binary word of the Lord,” is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama’s Silicone Holler. The company produces “open source salvation software for Jesus geeks.” Gates also announced that Read More

REDMOND, Wash. – Software giant Microsoft announced yesterday that it will begin shipping its newest operating system, Windows Linux Ubuntu, by the end of this month. Computers sold with this free, open-source operating system pre-installed will cost, on average, $149.95 fewer than computers sold with Windows Vista Service Pack 9 pre-installed. Microsoft’s announcement caught computer-industry Read More

REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft announced yesterday that it will offer surplus upgrade copies of its newest operating system, Windows Vista, “free to good homes.” An official at Microsoft said the company had decided to take this unprecedented step because there are too many copies of Vista upgrades getting underfoot and running up boarding fees in Read More