WEST CHESTER, Penna. – While other celebrity news sources were in a feeding frenzy, scrambling to find the latest crumbs in the Clay Aiken, Kelly Ripa, Rosie O’Donnell food fight, Postcards from the Pug Bus, the leading source of online celebrity satire in all of Southeastern Pennsylvania, was quietly pondering the seminal question in this debate: Where has Clay Aiken’s left hand been?
“That’s the question nobody else seems willing to face,” said Pug Bus editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, “but it’s just the kind of question on which we thrive.”
As all sentient Americans—and quite a few Europeans, no doubt—already know, the tempest began when Mr. Aiken filled in for Regis Philbin on Live With Regis and Kelly on Friday November 17. During an interview with Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke, current Dancing With the Stars winners, Mr. Aiken could not get a question in edgewise because Ms. Ripa was chattering away as though she had shot crystal meth during the last commercial break.
Exasperated, Mr. Aiken playfully put his left hand over Ms. Ripa’s mouth. She didn’t take kindly to this gesture, telling Mr. Aiken archly that he had committed a “no-no.” Then she said, with a faint trace of a redneck accent so no one would miss her drift, “I don’t know where that hand’s been, honey.”
This remark inspired Rosie O’Donnell, one of the four horsewomen of The View, to call Ms. Ripa’s response homophobic.
“If that was a straight man, if that was a cute man, if that was a guy that she didn’t question his sexuality, she would have said a different thing,” said Ms. O’Donnell on Tuesday’s edition of The View.
Before you could say, “Wait a minute, did she just out that homely little bugger?” Kelly Ripa was on the phone tearing Ms. O’Donnell a new vagina on air.
As the he-said, she-said bombs were bursting over-
head, no one thought to ask where Mr. Aiken’s left hand had, in fact, been. Ms. Ripa claimed not to know; Ms. O’Donnell hinted that she might know; but for all Mr. Aiken’s popularity, surely someone—other than Mr. Aiken’s right hand—ought to know were his left hand has been.
Does Neil Patrick Harris know? Does Tom Cruise know? Do any members of Clay Nation know? Inquiring minds want to know.
“That’s why, as a public service, we’re announcing the First Annual Where Has Clay Aiken’s Left Hand Been? contest,” said Mr. Maggitti. “The contest is open to anyone but employees of the website and its sister publication, THEM Weekly, members of their families, and residents of South Dakota. Entries will be accepted from 10 a.m. (EST) November 26 until 12 a.m. (EST) November 30. To submit your entry, use the comments box at the end of this page. The winner and the top two runners-up will be announced on Sunday December 3.”
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