LOS ANGELES – People are beginning to wonder why Colin Farrell is so desperate to prevent his former girlfriend Nicole Narain from releasing the X-rated home video the couple made two years ago. In an industry where there is no such animal as bad publicity—and where sex tapes have actually given a leg up to the careers of Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and the gifted Tommy Lee—Farrell’s agitated resolve to block the distribution of the video he made with Narain is beginning to look suspect.
“I think he’s afraid that if people see him full monty, they’ll start calling him Minority Report,” laughed one friend of Narain’s who claims to have seen the video. “It must have been awfully cold in the house when they filmed that thing.”
Farrell, 29, could not be reached for comment, but he has argued through his attorney, Martin Singer, that the release of the fifteen-minute home video would cause irreparable injury to his reputation and impair his chances for future employment.
“That’s a crock,” said Narain’s friend. “He’s already done irreparable damage to his reputation by appearing in turkeys like Alexander. Matter of fact, Colin’s as much a ‘flop’ in Nicole’s video as we was in Alexander; and the video is closer to five minutes than fifteen, by the way.”
Truth be told, such a disparaging assessment of Farrell’s manhood runs counter to the prevailing skinny in the entertainment world, where the Irish actor is hailed for being anything but skinny. Indeed, last year The Sun, London’s tabloid conscience, reported that Farrell’s full frontal nude scene had to be cut from A Home at the End of the World because “the sight of him looming toward the camera frightened test audiences.” One woman, who suffers from anacondaphobia (fear of snakes) had to be helped from the screening room.
What’s more, after seeing “Colossal Colin,” as The Sun dubbed him, test audiences had difficulty following the plot of the movie, and some women squealed and giggled every time Farrell was on screen.
As Farrell vowed never to do another nude scene following the Home at the End of the World screenings, we may never know the truth about his endowment. Narain, 31, has been forbidden by a temporary restraining order from selling, displaying, or distributing the video. That order could be made permanent following the August 10 hearing that has been scheduled to decide the matter.
In other news, although Jude Law has not issued any apologies in the last twenty-four hours, a source close to The Sun says “a major new apology” should be forthcoming any day now.
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