CAIRNS, Australia – The recent death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has occasioned a flood of rumors the likes of which have not been seen on the Internet since the death of Princess Diana, an event to which the passing of Mr. Irwin has been likened. Not even tales of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s secret wedding at George Clooney’s Italian villa last year were as widely circulated as the Steve Irwin stories now making the cyber rounds.
Many of Mr. Irwin’s fans no doubt find the rumors disturbing, especially the one about Russell Crowe biting the head off a baby crocodile. As a tribute to Mr. Irwin and as a courtesy to his fans around the world, Postcards from the Pug Bus will periodically evaluate the latest rumors circulating about the man who will always be remembered as “that Crocodile Hunter guy.”
Rumor: Steve Irwin snuff film available at MyFights.org.
Fact: Although documentary footage of Steve Irwin’s last minutes on this planet does exist, it is currently unavailable on the web. MyFights.org is one several websites that have attempted to bribe Queensland state police, who possess the only known copy of the footage of Mr. Irwin’s death.
In truth the chances of the footage being bootlegged are slim, as sources close to the Australian government say it is planning to release an official film of the naturalist’s death to be aired on the AnimalPlanet Network in the fall. This in keeping with Mr. Irwin’s oft-stated wishes.
Rumor: Dozens of Steve Irwin crocodile-hunting imitators have died since September 4.
Fact: Only two Steve Irwin copycat deaths have been confirmed. The run on khaki shorts of the sort favored by Mr. Irwin has apparently been spurred by eBay jockies, not by persons bent on wrestling alligators.
Rumor: Steve Irwin death spurs increased attacks on stingrays.
Fact: Attacks on stingrays are running near or slightly below average for this time of year. Stingray gigging remain a popular sport around the world, but most stingray giggers “respect the lethal capabilities of this magnificent creature,” said Lance Berdoo, managing editor of Stingray Gigging Illustrated.
Rumor: Russell Crowe is jealous of Steve Irwin’s popularity.
Fact: True. The mercurial Mr. Crowe, once one of the most respected actors in the world, bit the head off a baby crocodile in a Sidney bar Tuesday evening. The croc appeared docile, and an autopsy conducted on the unfortunate creature revealed it had been sedated and its teeth had been removed.
Rumor: Mr. Irwin’s last words were “Oh f*ck” not “Oh crickey.”
Fact: Neither is correct. According to a member of the film crew present when the stingray attacked, Mr. Irwin’s last words were, “Did you see the size of the stinger on that bloke?”
In other news, Paris Hilton and her vagina were arrested early this morning in Los Angeles after they had been observed driving erratically. They were escorted to the nearest police station after failing a sobriety test.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
