Religion

Did God Write Other Books Besides The Bible?

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Like J.K. Rowling, who has not stopped writing since finishing the Harry Potter series, God may not have stopped writing after finishing The Bible, say some Christian scholars. Indeed, they argue, it would have been an incredible waste of talent if God had never written another book.

“If you had authored the greatest book in the history of mankind, and you had all the time and talent in the world, would you stop writing?” asks the Reverend James O’Malley, pastor of Blessed Redeemer church in Trenton, New Jersey.

Fair point, and as the notion of God suffering from writer’s block is an idle one, a growing number of Christians believe that God may have been the unseen author, the pen behind the pens, of a number of other literary works. After all, they point out, everyone knows that God wrote The Bible even though he didn’t get a byline.

Opinion is divided, however, regarding what other books God might have written. Self-help? Philosophy? History? Vanity publishing? Selected volumes in Oprah’s book club?

“We have to exercise caution, just as the bishops of the Synod of Laodicea in 363 A.D. exercised caution in selecting the canonical gospels,” says the Reverend Henry Kosilowski, pastor of Our Lady of Krakow parish in Chester, Pennsylvania.

“Everybody and his cousin Thomas wrote a gospel in the first century following Jesus’ death, but only four gospels are included in the New Testament because the others weren’t worth the papyrus they were written on.”

Father Kosilowski argues that before we ask what books God may have written, we should eliminate the kinds of books God would not write: any book whose heroes or heroines engage in premarital or extramarital sex—or intermarital sex not expressly intended for procreation; any books whose depictions of procreative sex are more than mentioned in passing; books with sympathetic homosexual or atheistic characters; books in which sin—even the slightest sin—goes unpunished; books that promote evolution over intelligent design; the Book of Mormon.

Yet not all Christians believe God has written anything but The Bible.

The Bible is the be all and the end all, the greatest story ever told,” says Sister Marie Bernadette, a second grade teacher in the Diocese of Atlanta. “Why would God want to write another book unless it could top The Bible?”

Father O’Malley brushes this observation aside.

“Asking if God could “top” The Bible is as stupid as asking if God can create a rock that’s too heavy for him to lift.”    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.