HOLLYWOOD – The Feed Lindsay Lohan campaign gathered critical mass today, Lohan’s nineteenth birthday, with the addition of the United Nations, the Hunger Project, and Carl’s Jr. fast food chain to the list of international organizations dedicating their resources to preventing Lohan from starving herself to death.
“We cannot allow this talented young actress, who is, quite possibly, the Meryl Streep of her generation, to trample the flame of her youth in the agitated pursuit of fashion,” wrote H.E. Joaquim Alberto Chissano, former president of Mozambique and present board member of The Hunger Project, in a prepared statement.
“The bitch needs a burger,” added Tom Baily, executive vice president of marketing for Carl’s Jr. “Our buns could do wonders for hers.”
The Feed Lindsay Lohan campaign, a for-profit organization, was founded by radio personality Jason Cage of Z102 in Savannah, Georgia. Cage, who is rumored to have seen the normal-size Lohan in “Freaky Friday” twenty-seven times, became alarmed after reading that the girl of his fantasies had lost so much weight she was able to snort cocaine off her clavicle.
When pictures of the ghostly thin Lohan and her powdery shoulders confirmed the rumors, Cage launched feedlindsay.com in the hope of pulling Lohan out of her downward spiral and selling a few T-shirts in the process. Feedlindsay.com has gathered more than two thousand signatures from fans imploring Lohan to stop the insanity and to eat something, anything before she is no longer able to cast a shadow.
Although Lohan credits her weight loss to an improved training regimen and herbal tea, friends whisper that her ravenous appetite for cocaine and Bontril are to blame. One friend jokes that Lohan has gotten so thin “her breasts are going to show up on the sides of milk cartons any day now.”
Lohan’s breasts aren’t the only items to go missing as a result of her “dieting.” According to J. Wilson McKnight, M.D., nutrition counsel to the America Medical Association, Lohan’s chemical-spill, radioactive-yellow hair did not result from her using knock-off L’Oreal purchased from a Mexican pharmacy over the Internet.
“When the body is deprived of essential proteins and other nutrients,” said McKnight, “it compensates by ingesting its own protein stores. In Ms. Lohan’s case, the protein required for her vibrant red hair color was eaten for lunch by her own starving metabolism. It’s also a good bet that her noticeably receding hair line was caused by her diet.”
While world hunger experts debate their next more in the campaign to save Lindsay Lohan, a group of celebrities has added more than one hundred signatures to a giant birthday card scheduled to be delivered to Lohan later today along with a twenty-pound Carvel ice cream birthday cake in the shape of a Volkswagen. Among the celebrities and public figures signing the card are Kirstie Alley, Brad Pitt, Senator Joseph Biden (D-MBNA), Paula Abdul, Alex Rodriguez, Hillary Clinton, Venus Williams, Lance Armstrong, and Bono.
In other news, President George W. Bush denied in his weekly radio address that the United States was considering invading Aruba “at the present time.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
