TALLMANSVILLE, W.Va.- Hundreds of Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) workers arrived in this mining town late last night and began going door to door in a search for relatives of the thirteen miners who have been trapped below the surface of the Sago Mine since early yesterday morning.
FEMA, determined to prove that it is still able “to get out in front of a disaster,” also dispatched several dozen helicopters carrying National Guardsmen who leafleted the area.
“We were hit with a lot of unfair criticism over our response to Hurricane Katrina,” said acting FEMA director, R. David Paulison. “We’re here to prove that FEMA is still a lean, mean drilling machine.”
Paulison told reporters that relatives of the trapped miners “don’t have to wait until their loved ones’ lifeless bodies are carried out of the mine” to begin collecting emergency pension benefits or to apply for relocation grants.
“Whenever people are in a hole, they can count on FEMA,” said Paulison.
FEMA’s efforts, though well-intentioned, have been criticized by many of the citizens of Tallmansville.
“I had just put my three children to bed and promised them that their daddy would be home soon,” said Jolene Merriweather, whose husband is trapped in the mine, “when these FEMA fools and a camera crew come banging on the door with forms they want me to sign. I was two hours getting the children back to sleep.”
FEMA’s attempts to relocate relatives of the miners also met with dismay.
“I’ve lived in this house for twenty-three years,” said Amanda Willis, the wife of a trapped miner. “Why in hell would I want to leave now to go live in the Best Western in Morgantown? Don’t make no sense to me.”
Relatives of the trapped miners were not the only ones who failed to appreciate what Paulison called “a can-do, will-do approach.”
“What was FEMA thinking when they decided to blanket a rescue operation with those damn leaflets made up to look like $1,000-dollar bills,” said Bill Moody, Sago Mine’s director of personnel recovery.
Meanwhile, President George W. Bush, boarded Mobile One, a double-wide trailer designed to serve as a temporary White House, and set out for Tallmansville. Dressed in a miner’s suit and helmet, Bush told reporters that he was proud of FEMA’s “aggressive approach” to combating disasters. He promised to be “on the ground myself soon, shaking hands and posing with folks, as soon as we get our directions from MapQuest.”
Next Oprah: Fashion Intervention for Tallmansville
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