WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Karma, the law of moral causation, was invented more than 2,500 years ago in Northern India to answer troubling questions about the inequalities of life. People wanted to know, for example, why one person had separate houses for his family and his animals while another person shared his bed and sometimes his wife with a goat.
When holy men tried to explain this inequality by saying, “Shit happens,” inquiring minds were not amused. When holy men tried to blame “systemic bias in the caste system,” inquiring minds began to grow shirty. To keep the peace, and people’s shirts on, holy men said, “OK. You get what you deserve because of some wicked, disgusting thing you did in a previous life or maybe in this one–or both. What goes around, comes around. Get used to it.”
Thus was born the Law of Karma, a perennial top performer in the your-fault, your-whole-life insurance category. Because humanoids are a guilt-seeking as well as a pattern-seeking lot, people immediately began to fret over the state of their karma, wondering “what have I done to deserve this?”
Indeed, we have been trying to protect serve against karma ever since the holy men put the ball in our court. Within recent memory alone our fascination with karma has produced a television series about karma, at least half a dozen songs with karma in the title (including the unforgettable “Karma Chameleon”), a Karma food-finder app, a Karma luxury electric car, and countless tip jars with “karma” signs nearby guilt-tripping everyone.
If what the holy men said about karma is true, then whenever something shitty your way comes, spare a thought for what you might have done to set it going around in the first place. To help you get started in this exercise, we present five signs that your karma needs a makeover. The more of those signs that could be found on your front lawn, the more you need to re-calibrate your behavior, spruce up your curb appeal, as realtors are wont to say.
Herewith, The Five:
5. People tie yellow ribbons around your old oak tree–but you aren’t missing.
4. Objects in your rear view mirror are going much faster than they appear to be.
3. Your computer keeps changing your passwords.
2. Telemarketers hang up on you when you answer the phone.
1. Your shadow keeps trying to follow other people home.
Who knows what you might have done to bring this shit rain down on yourself—actually watched an NBA bubble game; didn’t wish RBG’s cancer finally forced her to resign; gave a sucker an even break. We merely provide the symptoms, it’s on you to figure out a cure.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
