WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush wasted no time in reacting to pop star George Michael’s arrest on drug charges this weekend. Mr. Bush called Mr. Michael a terrorist for “aiding and abetting groups like al Queda by purchasing and consuming illegal drugs.”
Mr. Michael was arrested yesterday morning at 1:50 a.m. after officers from Scotland Yard had responded to a report that there were two men, one of them slumped over the steering wheel, sitting motionless in a car near the Hyde Park Corner roundabout in London. When the officers arrived at the scene, they recognized the man behind the wheel as Mr. Michael, 42. The other individual was actually an inflatable doll, age unknown, that resembled a well-known male British pop star. The doll’s identity is being kept secret until the star’s next of kin can be notified.
According to Ian McDermott, lead investigator for Scotland Yard, Mr. Michael began humming “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” after the officers had succeeded in awakening him.
“He should have been humming that ‘Guilty Feet’ number if you ask me,” said Officer McDermott.
Mr. Michael and his inflatable partner were taken to a central London police station and searched. Afterward Mr. Michael was booked on suspicion of possessing marijuana and GHB, which is known as liquid Ecstasy. He could also be charged with illegal possession of Inugo, a prescription lubricant, unless he is able to produce a physician’s note for it within three days.
Mr. Michael’s companion was not charged even though it was unclothed at the time of its apprehension. They were released on their own recognizance. Mr. Michael is scheduled to return to a police station next month.
In addition to accusing Mr. Michael of terrorism, President Bush said that Mr. Michael should be barred from entering the United States if he is convicted of drug possession.
“The war on drugs must be brought to foreign countries, by force if necessary,” said the president. “What’s wrong on our soil is wrong anywhere in the world.”
In related news, Oscar nominee George Clooney called President Bush a “hypocrite” for saying that marijuana possession lines the pockets of terrorists. “The president ought to know better,” said Mr. Clooney. “He did a lot of coke in his day. Does that make him an ex-terrorist?”
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