NORTH BERGEN, N.J. – George Clooney’s health records contain some personally embarrassing information, said a hospital health worker who was suspended after taking a secret peek at Mr. Clooney’s private annals.
“Persistent hemorrhoids, acute situational incontinence, chronic erectile dysfunction, projectile flatulence, pubic boils—there’s more to George Clooney than meets the eye or ear,” said Cheryl Boozer, a nutritionist at Palisades Medical Center in North Bergen, New Jersey, where Mr. Clooney, 46, and a female companion were treated following a motorcycle-car accident on September 21.
Ms. Boozer and twenty-six of her colleagues were suspended for one month without pay after hospital officials had determined they had not only peeked underneath Mr. Clooney’s gown but also leaked information to THEM Weekly, a raunchy internet gossip site.
“Who could blame them for looking,” said THEM Weekly‘s medical editor, Seamus Wilkins, B.S. “After all, it’s not everyday that a two-time winner of the sexiest man in the world award turns up in a flimsy gown on your ward. I know I’d want to get a peek under the hood if a sex machine like that got towed into my garage.”
Many observers, including the ACLU, believe the breach of Mr. Clooney’s security was instigated by “parties high up” in the Bush administration in an attempt to discredit the left-leaning actor.
Ms. Boozer denies that allegation, while confirming that Mr. Clooney leans toward the left in more ways than one.
“He’s got a monster case of Peyronie’s disease,” said Ms. Boozer. “His morning nurse told me George’s dick looks like a sausage link trying to signal a left-hand turn.”
Mr. Clooney’s hand puppet, Danny DeVito, laughed when he learned that Mr. Clooney’s medical conditions had been made public.
“Sounds like George got punked,” said Mr. DeVito, who told reporters that Mr. Clooney is famous for taking pictures of his friends in compromising positions and emailing them to supermarket tabloids.
“Paybacks are a bitch, eh? George isn’t going to seem very sexy once people learn about his projectile flatulence. Let him who is without boils on his ass cast the first stone.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
