NEW ORLEANS – New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin, assured the people of the United States that God had accepted his apology. Mayor Nagin, the latest in a long line of political and religious figures who purport to know the mind of the Almighty, announced yesterday that God not only was not mad at the American people but also was not in the habit of inflicting punishment upon them.
Mayor Nagin made headlines Monday, Martin Luther King Day, when he told reporters that God had visited His wrath on New Orleans in the form of a flood because He was displeased with the sinful conduct of the American people, especially black people, and the occupation of Iraq. Following an outcry of biblical proportions, Mayor Nagin issued an apology to the nation.
The charismatic mayor, who is himself black, also assured people that he had apologized to God and that God had accepted his apology. Mayor Nagin said he learned of God’s acceptance while he was driving in his car and talking on his cell phone to evangelist Pat Roberts.
“All of a sudden I heard this static,” said Mr. Nagin. “I thought we were breaking up. I hung up, speed-dialed Pat’s number, and this strange, unearthly voice answered the phone. ‘The Lord God Almighty speaking,’ it said.
“At first I thought it was Pat [messing] with me,” Mr. Nagin continued. “I know he thinks I’m one crazy-ass [N word]. I said, ‘Hey, pusswad, quit [messing] with me.’ Then the voice said, ‘I beg your pardon!’ and I knew I was talking to The Lord. I about fell out the car.”
After the conversation with God, Mr. Nagin discovered that he had a photographic memory and could recall entire conversations verbatim. What follows is his account of God’s remarks.
“Ray, Ray, Ray. How could you be so glib? Do you think I’m so petty that I need to take revenge on people? And even if I did, why would I punish the entire class for the deeds of a few of its members?
“Have you seen the part in the ‘The Book of Daniel’ where the priest asks My son to ‘do something” and My son answers, ‘It doesn’t work that way’? Well, it doesn’t, Ray.
“The truth is, that with the development of quantum physics, people are going to realize eventually that the world is what it is, a whole lot of space with its own rogue energy that causes particles to act like waves and waves to act like particles. Then they will come to understand that Mine is largely a ceremonial position with a decent income, much like the House of Windsor’s in Great Britain.
“You wouldn’t pray to the Queen to deliver a victory in the World Cup, would you? So why do American football players insist on pointing to the sky when they beat the safety and take it to the house, as though I had something to do with it? People have got to stop being afraid of owning their own successes—and failures.
“At the end of the day, Ray, we are all gods. ‘I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. Goo goo g’joob.’ Get used to it.”
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