NEW YORK – The Lord God Almighty declared yesterday that He is “damn sick and tired of hearing about that whole mess between Israel and Hezbollah.” God made this revelation in a sternly worded e-mail delivered to the office of UN secretary-general, Kofi Annan.
“I can appreciate the solace that religion brings to people who see their loved ones blown up and their houses reduced to cinders,” said God. “I don’t begrudge them that solace, nor do I have a problem lending them a hand with burial and rehab costs, but when they start asking me to guide their missiles or to annihilate their enemies, I just want to scream.”
God blamed “the pride that goeth before a fall” for humankind’s failure to understand that “no one owns and operates the Supreme Being” or has first claim on His providence. He further blamed “the twin scourges of marketing and brand identification” for the belief that He intervenes in the outcomes of wars or football games.
In a postscript God attributed “all this taking-sides business” to books such as the Bible and the Koran.
“I am constantly bemused,” said God, “when people who believe I created the world also believe I couldn’t resist writing a book about it. My creations speak for themselves. Besides, if I ever did write a book, it wouldn’t be riddled with contradictions, and there would certainly be revised editions from time to time.”
Reactions to God’s message were varied. The United States interim ambassador to the UN, John R. Bolton, declared that the message could not possibly have come from God or else it would have been e-mailed to George W. Bush or to someone in his inner circle who is computer literate.
Karen Goodhew, bishop of the Unitarian Fellowship Meeting in West Chester, Pennsylvania, said, “Whether you choose to believe that God exists or not, it would seem to me—and this is just my opinion, of course—that he would rather be known as the Lord of Creation than the Lord of Destruction, that is if, in fact, he does exist and wishes to be known at all.”
Trent Deveroux, pastor of the First Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic in Los Angeles, said humans had no way of determining if the e-mail—or if God, for that matter—is authentic.
In other news, astrologers say the demotion of Pluto to dwarf object status will affect the horoscopes only of those persons born in months that do not contain an r.
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