WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement faxed to the editor of THEM Weekly magazine, God the Father Almighty chided presidential candidate Rick Perry for using the theory of intelligent design “to suck up to people who claim they speak for me or, worse yet, people who claim that I have spoken directly to them.”
God explained that he had chosen the popular celebrity magazine as the forum in which to speak because “celebrity is the new religion in America, and Americans have idolized celebrities within these types of photo books.” Then he proceeded to criticize Mr. Perry’s belief that the theory of intelligent design should be taught alongside Darwin’s theory of evolution in schools.
“Darwin’s theory is a rational attempt at understanding and explaining the workings of the universe,” wrote God. “It’s one of the more significant intellectual achievements of mankind, I mean humankind. The intelligent design theory, on the other hand, consists of five words: God must have done it. How much teaching does that require? It isn’t exactly rocket science.”
In God’s judgment “the theory of intelligent design is often the first resort of people who are too lazy to think a problem through for themselves.” What’s more, he argued, intelligent design “falls apart like a cheap thong” if it’s applied to war, Dancing with the Stars, Heidi Montag, Salvation Boulevard, or the entire cast of the Big Mama movies.
“Intelligent design shouldn’t have to take the rap for those follies,” wrote God. “In fact, I resent people trying to lay those trips on me. I much prefer Darwin’s theory because it explains the occasional cold sore on the red carpet of life without editorializing.”
No sooner had God issued his rebuke of Mr. Perry, than presidential contender Rick Santorum hastened to align himself with his alleged creator. Mr. Santorum issued a press release saying that intelligent design “lacked scientific credibility and should not be taught in science classes.”
Not surprisingly, Mr. Santorum was attacked by Christian fanatics who took time from their fervent demonizing of Barack Obama to remind Santorum that in a CBS poll conducted last April, two out of three Americans said they wanted creationism taught alongside evolution in schools.
“That’s what makes [Mr. Santorum’s] position so genuine,” said one Santorum aide. “It’s easy for God to trash intelligent design. God isn’t running for president. He doesn’t have to placate the Christian right.”
In other news, God reported that the Verizon caller ID package he had installed a few months ago has “significantly decreased” the number of annoying, superficial prayer requests, particularly from sports fans.
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