WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God Almighty is more than a little miffed by Carson Wentz’ three-pick performance in the Eagles 48-7 loss to the New Orleans Saints yesterday. Immediately following the game, the Lord placed Wentz on waivers. “Opey went up in flames like Joan of Arc,” said the Lord. “Three interceptions! He should spend more time on the play book and less time on his prayer book. Remember, the Lord helps those who help themselves.”
God’s fantasy team, the Intelligent Designers, competes in the twelve-team Wilmington, Delaware, North fantasy football league, where God is known to his fellow players simply as DeAndre Danger.
God explained that he chose the Wilmington league “because I like Delaware’s relaxed registration and disclosure laws, which allow me to compete incognito.”
God’s move caught some other coaches in the Wilmington league by surprise.
“The way Carson wears his religion on his sleeve, you’d have thought he was God’s other son,” said Gerry “The Rat” Capano, owner of the league-leading FamilyValues team.
“If the truth were known,” said the Lord, “Carson can be a little tiresome with the religious stuff. For example, he bragged that my fingerprints were all over his wedding. They were not. Really. Did he think he was the only person who got married that day?
“And don’t get me started on that ‘worship’ music he listens to before games. You ever hear that dreck? Can’t hold a menorah to the music Bach wrote for me. Now that’s how you worship somebody.”
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