VATICAN CITY – God issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that he won’t attend the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because he fears his presence would turn the ceremony into a media circus. Many god watchers interpreted his absence as a snub because he is offended by sham marriages between Catholic women and gay movie stars outside the church.
God’s statement insists, however, that his absence is motivated simply by a desire not to infringe on the couple’s privacy. In addition, the statement noted, god’s decision should not be interpreted as payback for Mr. Cruise’ snub of god’s mother, Oprah Winfrey, who was not invited to the wedding.
“Nevertheless,” Vatican insiders whisper “there was no way the big guy was going after he heard L. Ron Hubbard’s seat at the wedding table was closer to the groom’s than his.”
In other wedding-of-the-century news, Entertainment Tonight is reporting that Ms. Holmes will wear a white satin jumper-gown, a high-fashion replica of the outfit she wore on her first date with Mr. Cruise, a visit to Chuck E. Cheese.
The menu for the reception is reported to include an open pizza bar followed by a sit down dinner of Salisbury steak, cheese fries, and creamed corn—and that’s just for Kirstie Alley and her party.
Dessert is chocolate ice cream sculpted in the image and likeness of Oprah Winfrey’s face. Guests are provided with tiny bowls of warn Vanilla Sky sauce to pour over the Oprah image.
A local winery, in return for being allowed to place its logo on the bride and groom’s souvenir matchbooks, provided complimentary glasses of a forty-four-year-old merlot described as “short on the tongue but virile for its age.”
Guests are “strongly advised” to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to give themselves time to freshen up after being strip searched. Cell phones and cameras will be confiscated, and guests’ hands will be stamped with an image of a L. Ron Hubbard. Guests have been informed that if they leave the reception hall, they will not be readmitted.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
