The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—admitted today that he “never saw this election coming.” Speaking exclusively to Postcards from the Pug Bus as part of his atheist outreach program, The Big Fella shook his leonine head slowly and continued, “I saw Brexit coming, I predicted the immigration mess in Europe, and I’ve called the last six Dancing with the Stars winners and runners up, but Mr. Trump?”
According to Him Who Am, “As everyone else was, I was fooled by the fact that Trump plowed through political correctness like a ninety-year-old, blue-haired Jewish woman plows through a group of people waiting for a bus after jumping the curb in her Chrysler LeBaron.”
No disrespect, Sir, but your team, the IntelligentDesigners, did finish ninth in the twelve-team Wilmington, Delaware, North fantasy football league two years ago.
“OK, OK, I did mess that up. Actually, we might have just as easily been winless were it not for a couple Hail Mary plays. I was too dependent on miracles to win games. That isn’t how this league or the world works.”
Turning from football, the Lord complained that he has been “kiester-deep” in prayers right now, “what with the election, post-election, football, and Christmas seasons. So I’ve decided to install caller ID and an automated phone menu to handle all future prayers.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a high-ranking member of the heavenly host reported that God was “madder than hell” about the increased number of prayers he has been receiving from “God botherers” of late.
“Like God really has time to intervene in the electoral college vote or the next Super Bowl,” the official snorted.
Consequently, God will no longer answer prayers directly, an activity that he engaged in “much less frequently than people reported anyway,” the official said.
All prayers will now be “answered” by an automated voice machine that will announce, “Thank you for calling the Heavenly Hotline. Because your call is important to us, we have installed the following menu to help facilitate your request. For your protection your call may be monitored. Please listen carefully before making your selection.
“To listen to the menu in Spanish, press 1. In case of genuine emergencies such as fires, catastrophic illnesses, and ‘acts of God,’ press 2. For divine assistance in locating lost car keys, press 3. For intervention with Microsoft products, including Windows 10, press 4. To request supernatural help for a football team, press our special Hut-1 number.”
When asked why God wanted caller ID in addition to the automated answering system, the official replied that God was concerned about stalkers who pray excessively.
“He’s gosh darn close, pardon my French, to instituting the kind of policy enforced by many sports talk radio stations, which limit individuals to one call per week and one on weekends,” the official revealed.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
