NEW YORK – Heather Mills McCartney, estranged wife of former Beatle and corporate tool Paul McCartney, was hopping mad following a violent confrontation with Jennifer Lopez’ security personnel at Lopez’ New York office Tuesday. The incident, which left Mills McCartney busier than a one-legged animal rights activist in a butt-kicking contest, began when Mills McCartney, a former model, attempted to deliver a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals video to Lopez.
The video contains graphic imagery of animals being killed and skinned, not always in that sequence, in order to produce fur garments for “exceedingly shallow, materialistic, offensively nouveau riche [popstars],” said Mills McCartney. Before attempting to deliver the video, she had taken part in a demonstration outside Lopez’ office building, where passers-by were urged to boycott Lopez’ music, movies, clothes, and psychic hotline number because she uses fur in her Sweetface fashion line.
After the demonstration Mills McCartney, 37, and her prosthetic leg, 12, strode into J-Lo’s office building opposite Manhattan’s Bryant Park. They were accompanied by an entourage of journalists and photographers. Once they were inside the building, Mills McCartney, who lost an original leg after being hit by a Vespa in 1993, was confronted by one of J-Lo’s hulking bodyguards.
“Y’all better get yo gimpy-ass, tofu-eatin’ self back out on the street,” he yelled. “You got no bidness bein’ up in here.”
Mills McCartney refused to leave, and shouts quickly came to shoves. In the ensuing smackdown Mills McCartney’s prosthetic leg—an eponymous, top-of-the-line Heather Mills-McCartney Cosmesis (HMMC) model—went flying end-over-end in the air. While its owner clutched her knee in agony and hopped up and down to keep from falling, one of J-Lo’s ministers of security waved the HMMC like a baseball bat while a colleague pretended to pitch to him.
Mills McCartney hopped after the “batter,” who tossed the HMMC to his partner. After a few minutes of keep away, the guards finally gave up the leg, but not before one of them uttered a rude comment about “not being a leg man.” Then he added, “You got anything else that comes off?”
Mills McCartney asked to use a bathroom so she could reattach her leg, but the guards refused. She was forced to re-limb in a stairwell with the aid of a photographer who gave her a shoulder on which to lean.
Although Mills McCartney was enraged by the incident, she declined to say whether she would press charges against Lopez or her bodyguards. She vowed, however, that she would stalk Lopez “at her home, at movie premiers, at tanning salons, and liposuction centres until she gets the message.”
Lopez, meanwhile, was quick to brand the incident a publicity stunt.
“Let her sue,” laughed J-Lo, fingering a rabbit’s foot keychain. “She knows she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. That leg comes off pretty conveniently, if you ask me. I seen her take it off one time on the Larry King Show. It tried to run away.”
In other news, Angelina Jolie has offered to match the adoption any children of non-Caucasian origin who were left homeless by Hurricane Katrina.
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