WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hillary Clinton has elected to move up the debut of her cosmetics line in hopes of gaining separation from presidential rivals Barack Obama and John Edwards in time for the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries.
Called Clintonique, the senator’s line of beauty care and grooming products was scheduled for a Summer 2008 release; but now that Mr. Obama and Mr. Edwards are breathing heavily down her neck, she has decided to roll the dice and the flavored douche power early.
“The senator isn’t used to having men breathing down her neck,” said Heidi Preston, a spokeswoman for Estée Lauder, which has partnered with Senator Clinton in the development of Clintonique. “Therefore she has decided to boldly go where no presidential candidate has gone before.”
Clintonique is described as a high-end collection of cruelty-reducing products for women of a certain age and disposition. The flagship item in the collection is Triangulation, an elusive fragrance that combines elements of familiar scents while taking a position above and between them.
Also featured in the Clintonique collection is the Chelsea Two Bagger, a hooded sleeping chemise. Made of the finest Japanese silk, the Chelsea Two Bagger sports a vented hood that takes the worry out of being close on those nights when you don’t look your very best.
“And let’s face it, girls, those nights occur much more frequently the more times you’ve gone to the post,” laughed Ms. Preston.
“Perhaps the most controversial item in the Clintonique line is the Slick Willy douche,” Ms. Preston continued. “This is an industrial-strength-yet-gentle freshener with a comforting, scent and a unique applicator that bears a marked resemblance to the former commando in chief.”
According to Ms. Preston, additional items in the Clintonique line include Round Heels foot powder, Whitewater teeth-whitening primer, and In Your Face spackling compound.
Friends of the senator report that her husband is delighted with Estée Lauder’s choice of his wife as its face for the ages.
“If Hillary had started using these products when she was younger,” said the former president, “I wouldn’t have given Gennifer Flowers and that Lewinsky woman the sweat off my balls to make Kool-Aid with.”
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