WEST CHESTER, Penna. – After viewing Jackass: Number Two, the chief cleric of the Mosque of the Sacred Jihad called on Muslims in West Chester and around the world to bring down “the all-consuming wrath of Allah upon those who support this unspeakably perverted Western, homoerotic filth.”
Quoting liberally from the darker passages of the Koran that moderate Muslims try to gloss over, Salam Hassan Al-Maharyati also warned theater owners “to stop glorifying this godless mockery at once” or face the consequences.
“Great shall be his reward who drives the infidel screaming and bloody from our midst,” said Al-Maharyati. “He and his family shall enjoy the warmth and friendship of Allah in the next world”
Local police are not taking these statements lightly.
“Sure, the Muslims are always going on about some–
thing,” said West Chester chief of police, Edwin Sturtzenberger. “If it isn’t a jihad against mandatory showers in girls gym class, it’s a jihad against pork rinds in the vending machines at gas stations; but somebody Jell-oed three toilets in the men’s room at the multiplex last night. Coincidence? I think not.”
The Jackass crew—for all their onscreen willingness to taunt bulls, snakes, and other dangerous creatures, devise novel ways to risk injury to their penises, or employ their butts as comedy props—are not laughing about the cleric’s threat.
A heavily disguised Bam Margera went unrecognized at a table toward the rear of Kooma, an Asian fusion restaurant in West Chester, the other day. A reporter who was supposed to meet Mr. Margera for dinner, said:
“If he hadn’t been arranging his sushi rolls in the shape of a dick on his plate, I wouldn’t have recognized him. He doesn’t look anything like he did the last time I saw him, and that was only two weeks ago.
“When his bodyguard took me into the men’s room to strip search me, I thought it was part of a Jackass stunt until he put the latex glove on.”
Mr. Margera, at least, is speaking to some trusted reporters willing to be strip searched. Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius, Steve-O, and Wee Man refused to return phone calls.
In other news, President George W. Bush used his weekly radio address to warn Americans that the death of Osama bin Laden would mean elevated terror-threat levels until “past the election, if not longer.”
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