BUMFUCH, La. – Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is knocked up higher than her no-account big sister on a three-day, Little Debbies-and-Red Bull binge; yet no one in the Spears family acts as if there’s anything unusual about this event—or about the fact that the putative father of this unfortunate git is nineteen years old.
“I’ll take ‘Statutory Rape’ for $100, Alex.”
Ms. Spears mother, Lynn, 52, expressed shock and awe at the news.
“Jamie Lynn’s always been so conscientious. She’s never even late for her curfew.”
Alas, the same cannot be said about her periods; and not to put too blunt a point on things, but most sixteen-year-olds with live-in boyfriends don’t need to miss a curfew in order to get pregnant. They can be safe at home, snug in their beds, humping like amphetamine-crazed bunnies while their parents fall asleep downstairs on the red Naugahyde sofa watching Jerry Springer’s Greatest Hits.
Despite the Spears family’s insouciance, the more astute celebrity watchers suspect there might be a subtext in the woodpile here. Rod Bender, managing editor of THEM Weekly, believes that Jamie Lynn is carrying a child conceived by her big sister then transplanted into Jamie Lynn’s squeaky-clean womb.
“The Spears family has always had a keen interest in science,” said Mr. Bender, “and beyond that, Britney realizes there’s no way in hell she’s ever going to see her own kids again without three Blackwater operatives in the room. So she paid her little sis to mule this baby for her.”
“I’ll take ‘Who’s the Real Baby Daddy’ for $500,” Alex.
Mr. Bender assured us that his publication is “all over this story like a nineteen-year-old is all over his sixteen-year-
old girlfriend,” and as soon as THEM Weekly learns which of the four score men Britney has slept with in the last three months is the father, “we’ll bust that sucker quicker than a nineteen-year-old will bust his live-in girlfriend’s cherry.”
In related news, Al Sharpton denounced the latest Spears family pregnancy, saying, “If that bitch was black, she wouldn’t be on no cover of no magazine. Instead, Don Imus would be calling her a nappy headed ho.”
Today’s Glossary: putative, adjective, commonly regarded as such; reputed; supposed; insouciance, noun, the quality of being insouciant; lack of care or concern; indifference
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