WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, who would not exist if we hadn’t needed to make them up, have announced to a largely indifferent world the end of their romantic involvement—for the third damn time. At this point like who gives a shit?
What free-thinking, self-respecting person cares whether this undynamic duo is locking loins or not? These two are such stiffs that instead of making sparks when they have it off, they make splinters.
If Ms. Aniston and Mr. Vaughn weren’t breaking up, they’d never be in the news, so they keep on breaking up as long as anyone will write about them. I say it’s time to stop the insanity. What’s there to write about when the flacks for these chumps keep handing out the same lame-ass quotes ” . . . love and respect . . . unavoidable realities . . . best of friends . . ..”
There’s only so many times you can shine them turds, so until we get something more juicy to work with—like the maid catching Vince releasing his pent-up sexual frustrations with his catcher’s mitt—we’re going to repeat the same stuff we made up the last time Jen and Vince split. It’s better than the crap the publicists hand out.
MALIBU – Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have separated after failing to agree about the kind of child they should adopt, reports THEM Weekly. Friends of the couple say, however, that Ms. Aniston and Mr. Vaughn could not agree on what species to adopt.
“Vince was thinking an African kid,” said Mr. Vaughn’s close friend Brad Pitt. “Jen was thinking an African puppy.”
Mr. Pitt’s statement was corroborated by Ms. Aniston’s friend Courtney Cox-Arquette.
“Jen wasn’t ready to commit to a child yet,” said Ms. Cox-Arquette. “She thought a puppy would be a good compromise. She wanted to experience the miracle of birth vicariously. If she could handle that much commitment, she’d be ready to think about a child. If she couldn’t commit to the puppy, she could put it up for adoption.”
Ms. Aniston chose a basenji because it’s from Africa, said Ms. Cox-Arquette, “the really hot adoption country right now.”
Postcards from the Pug Bus
October 5, 2006
By Chip Hilton
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