WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Jessica Simpson has finalized her plan for taking advantage of the extra second—or leap second—that will be added to clocks around the world at the stroke of midnight on December 31. The recently separated singer-actress told reporters she will use the time “writing a post-nuptial agreement to protect my interests after I’m divorced.”
Simpson, who first learned about leap seconds while reading an article in Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, explained that leap seconds are required “every four years” to keep our clocks in sync with solar time used by astronomers, “so that cell phone calls to different time zones will not be late.”
Simpson also explained that the leap second can be used at any time of the day, “like a cosmic gift certificate.”
While Simpson is running a spelling checker on her post-nup, other celebrities will be using the leap second for their own devices.
Colin Farrell will be “checking out the medicine cabinet” at Jaime Foxx’ house.
Britney Spears will be “throwing the Dreidle in my new Kabbalah room.”
Lindsay Lohan plans to “shop online for something black for Kelly Osbourne.”
Jennifer Aniston will be sunbathing topless in her front yard.
Angelina Jolie will be writing her U.N. speech.
Tom Cruise has no plans because “Scientologists do not recognize earthly time.”
Tara Reid said she’ll be “shooting another beer.”
Nicole Richie will take a second to dictate her next book.
Pamela Anderson asked, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Tommy Lee said, “Getting seconds.”
David Letterman will be “crank calling Colleen Nestler.”
George W. Bush will use the time for “valuable added surveillance of all those liberal, pinko, communist faggots in Hollywood.
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