KINGDOM OF HEAVEN – The Lord God Jesus Christ is “sore displeased” with the Disney Corporation. Through a special arrangement with Google, Jesus issued via Gmail a simultaneous statement to 4,500 news sources around the world, disavowing “any craven attempt to profit from the unauthorized use of My image as the Lion of Judah.”
“My Father, who art in Heaven, and I wish to condemn in the strongest possible terms any suggestion that Aslan, the lion in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, in any way represents the Lion of Judah, materially or metaphysically.”
Jesus seemed particularly annoyed with Disney’s portrayal of Aslan as “a Brad Pitt pretty boy lion whose visage has been emasculated in order to make it suitable for throw pillows and children’s pajamas.” The Lord God Almighty said Aslan should have been made “in the image and likeness of Charlton Heston, Kirk Douglas, or even Russell Crowe.”
The Disney Corporation first incurred the wrath of God when a leaked memo from Disney vice president of entertainment marketing, Carl Hooper, to several senior executives at Disney was brought to Jesus’ attention. In that memo Hooper sought “your candid and confidential input” about calling the movie The Passion of the Lion. A sternly worded message from God the Holy Ghost, the divine liaison to the entertainment industry, warned Hooper that “severe consequences” might follow if Disney insisted on implementing that plan.
“Tom Cruise’ attorneys will seem like lambs being led to the slaughter in the face of the legal team We can assemble up Here,” wrote God the Holy Ghost, who also implied that viewers might “find it difficult” to watch the movie through a plague of locusts.
Hooper thought that Disney was “right with Jesus” by selecting a different name for the movie, but Disney failed to obtain a divine imprimatur before sending Chronicles of Narnia sales kits to thousands of schools and churches around the world and before arranging special screenings of the movie for church groups this Thursday, the eve of the movie’s general release in theaters. The sales kits contain material for Narnia-themed sermons, trailers to be shown at church services, Sunday school lesson plans, cases of Orville Redenbacher popcorn, and ideas for promotions.
“Hath My people forgotten the story of the money lenders in the temple?” asked Jesus.
The Lion of Judah also questioned the authenticity of an unpublished letter from novelist C. S. Lewis, author of the book on which The Chronicles of Narnia is based, to a young fan in 1961. In that letter Lewis wrote: “The whole Narnian story is about Christ.” The letter was discovered recently by Walter Hooper, literary adviser to the Lewis estate.
“We find it strangely coincidental that this letter was discovered in time to maximize its impact on attendance,” wrote Jesus. “If Disney attempts to capitalize on the contents of that letter, the studio should be prepared for the sudden discovery of a subsequent letter that contradicts the first one.”
Return e-mails asking what the contents of that letter might reveal have so far gone unanswered.
Next Oprah: Was the Lion of Judah Really Black?
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