HEAVEN – Those who know him say Jesus Christ is distraught over the cancellation of NBC’s controversial religious drama The Book of Daniel, which was pulled after four of its scheduled eight episodes had been aired.
“He hasn’t been this upset since he drove the money changers from the temple,” said Jesus’ close friend the Holy Spirit.
“Jesus really identified with the laid-back, joke-swapping, existential spin the writers gave to his character,” the Holy Spirit continued. “He felt as though he was born again in that portrayal, and he didn’t object to how hot they made him look either.”
Although network officials intimated The Book of Daniel was cancelled because of poor ratings, Jesus believes the protests of “so-called Christians” are responsible for the show’s demise.
In The Book of Daniel Jesus, portrayed by a divine-looking Garret Dillahunt, often appears to the Reverend Daniel Webster, an Episcopalean priest with a frigid wife, a pot-dealing daughter, a gay son, and a Vicodin habit. Instead of emerging from a cloud or a ring of fire as many of his followers believe he should, Jesus casually pops into the passenger seat in Reverend Webster’s car as he is running errands.
Rather than calling the shots, Jesus rides shotgun like a supernatural sidekick in a road movie. He and Reverend Webster debate moral questions and bounce jokes off each other. In one sequence that was a particular favorite of Jesus’, they invent fake self-help book titles like My Tuesdays With Jesus.
This portrayal of Jesus as a latter day hippie outraged many Christians, who flooded NBC and its affiliates with angry letters, phone calls, and e-mails. They raised such a din over this “mockery” of Jesus that half a dozen affiliates refused to air The Book of Daniel at all.
Yet Jesus was not mocked, said the Holy Spirit. He was flattered by The Book of Daniel, and he was delighted that people were finally getting to see him as he sees himself—more mentor than master, more yin than yang. Instead, many Christians insisted on seeing in Jesus only what they wanted to see.
“If Jesus wasn’t offended by his portrayal, why should his ‘followers’ be?” asked the Holy Spirit. “People who wear those T-shirts that ask What Would Jesus Do? act as if they know the answer already, but I’ve got news for them—they don’t.”
Jesus did not respond to repeated requests for an interview, but Mohammed, one of Jesus’ closest friends on the Heavenly Council of Prophets, said he understood how Jesus felt.
“It is unfortunate,” said Mohammed, “that religious people often give religion a bad name. For example, to hear fanatical Muslims talk, you would think that only terrorists are permitted to enjoy virgins in heaven. That is not so. In addition, please tell the American people for me that neither I nor Allah had anything to do with 9/11.”
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