TAOS, N.M. – Julia Roberts has quietly dropped a landmark civil lawsuit she had filed against her breasts. The suit, filed in Taos Municipal Court in late March, charged that Roberts’ hooters, which had grown from a 34-B to a 38-D since she gave birth to twins last year, not only inflicted personal hardship and misery but also constituted a material infringement on her ability to pursue her art. Worse yet, they made finding a suitable dress for this year’s Oscars almost impossible.
Roberts, who will be starring in her first Broadway play next year, had been seeking damages in excess of $100 million. Had she been successful in her suit, Lloyds of London, with whom her breasts are insured, would most likely have been responsible for payment.
“My breasts are a moot point now that I’ll be retiring from acting next year,” said Roberts, who recently appeared with her breasts in a Dave Matthews Band music video.
Roberts, who had brought the suit against her breasts because she “could no longer cope with them,” had also sought a restraining order, asking the court to enjoin her breasts from coming any closer than six inches to her chin when she jogs.
“I thought the enhancement was amusing at first,” said Roberts in a tearful phone interview to be broadcast on the Oprah show next week. “But the more Simon and Garfunkle grew, the more self-conscious I became.”
Simon and Garfunkle, Roberts explained, are her pet names for her breasts. The names should not be confused, she said, with Phinnaeus and Hazel, her pet names for her twins, who had been named as co-defendants in her suit.
Under New Mexico law Roberts’ breasts were entitled to representation. Because they have no visible means of support, apart from a few underwire bras, they were represented by public defender Rosario Santos-Allen. A recent graduate of Melvin Belli Correspondence Law School, Santos-Allen told reporters she was gratified that “Ms. Roberts had decided to drop the suit and to let the [breasts] fall where they may. This is a red letter day for breasts everywhere.”
According to Robert J. Grey Jr., president of the American Bar Association, “There was a precedence for Roberts’ suit. In Penis vs. Howard Stern, the plaintiff, citing extreme performance anxiety, was successful in getting its owner to stop making jokes about it in public. In addition, Mr. Stern was forbidden any unsupervised social contact with his penis for a period of six months.”
The Roberts vs. Simon & Garfunkle case had been scheduled for broadcast by Court TV, whose anchor, Nancy Grace, had already declared the breasts guilty. Jennifer Aniston, whose reluctance to have children for fear of ruining her figure was blamed for the breakup of her marriage to Brad Pitt, was expected to testify on Roberts’ behalf. Santos-Allen had planned to call the breasts of other celebrities—including Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and a pregnant Britney Spears—to testify for her clients.
In related news, Jennifer Lopez is rumored to be close to filing criminal charges against her ass for stalking her.
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