Keith Richards Out of His Tree, Hillary Clinton Out of Beano

AUCKLAND – Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards suffered a mild concussion after falling out of a coconut tree at the luxurious Wakaya Club resort in Fiji last week. Mr. Richards, who had been picking coconuts at the time, was knocked unconscious by the fifteen-foot fall. According to a source close to the Rolling Stones, when Mr. Richards woke up, he was surprised to learn he had fallen out of a tree. “A coconut tree?” said Mr. Richards. “What the f*** was I doin’ in a coconut tree? I don’t even drink coconut milk, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh!” Mr. Richards, 62, initially refused treatment following his fall. According to New Zealand’s Sunday Star-Times, he “still had the energy to jump on a jet ski and get into another accident.” Details of the jet-ski crash are sketchy, but after Mr. Richards had been pulled from the water and revived on shore, his first words were, “Jet ski? What f****** jet ski? What the f*** was I doin’ on a jet ski?” After being told that he had crashed while riding a jet ski in the ocean, Mr. Richards said, “Ocean? What ocean? What the f*** was I doin’ in an ocean?” At that point Mr. Richards was flown to Nausori airport near Suva, the capital of Fiji. He was treated there at a private hospital for a deep gash on his right buttock. He was then transferred to Ascot hospital in Auckland, New Zealand, where he has remained with his wife, Patti Hansen, by his side, while doctors try to stabilize his blood-alcohol level. Ronnie Wood, Mr. Richards’ fellow guitarist in the Stones, had been picking coconuts with Mr. Richards when he fell. Upon being told that Mr. Richards had suffered only a mild concussion, Mr. Wood exclaimed, “Concussion? What concussion? I didn’t know Keith was in Fiji.” Mr. Richards’ injury was not the first he had suffered as the result of a fall. In 1998 he needed treatment for rib and chest injuries when he fell off a ladder while trying to retrieve a book in the library of his Connecticut mansion. “Library? What library?” asked Mr. Richards at the time. “Do you mean to tell me I can read, mate? Heh, heh, heh.” In other news, Hillary Rodham Clinton’s flatulence, long a tightly held secret in her inner circle, reared its ugly head during a special screening of Reaching the Crest at the Tribeca Film Festival last week. Several special needs children were stricken by the fumes when Ms. Clinton unleashed a “rag ripper of epic proportions,” according to one bystander whose glasses were cracked by the explosion. A spokeswoman for Ms. Clinton attempted to wave off questions about her health: “The senator ate kimchi at a fundraiser last night, and she simply forgot to take her Beano the morning of the incident.”

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