NEW YORK—Rolling Stones poltergeist and guitarist Keith Richards, 73, celebrated his birthday today by announcing his support for Donald J. Trump when “those cats at the electoral college meet to elect a president tomorrow.” Mr. Richards, who is 142 in Smirnoff years, is famous for a life punctuated by one near-death experience after another.
“I mean, c’mon, man, this cat is unstoppable,” croaked Mr. Richards. “Nobody gave him a chance in the primaries, y’dig; nobody gave him a chance in the general election, either; so, I mean, who’s gonna stop him tomorrow? Anybody who thinks he can is pissing up a rope.”
In addition to his keen knowledge of American politics, Mr. Richards, it seems, is also a practicing astrologist who writes under the nom de plume, Catmando.
“Yeah, man, I’ve had so much down time between albums over the years—waiting for Mick to shake that tiny todger of his and get back to the studio—that I took to writing what I call horrorscopes. Got a bunch of ‘em. You’re welcome to run some if you’d like.”
Thank you, Keef, we will.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Sagittarius governs the kneecaps, elbows, and taint. That’s why Sagittarians have more close encounters of the fourth kind than other people do. Unfortunately, Sagittarians uusually can’t remember these encounters. That’s why I sleep with a tape recorder under my pillow.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): After a cat scan reveals a chorus of tiny voices inside your head singing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus,” (who was a Capricorn himself) you go viral in supermarket tabloids. Wrap around shades and a paisley do-rag should help you blend in with the other shoppers at Whole Foods.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Because Aquarians are highly possessive and mate for life, their ideal partners are other Aquarians. Actually, their ideal partners are themselves. No more worries about infidelity, forgotten anniversaries, and those fucking in-laws. Besides, marrying yourself means never having to say, “I’d rather sleep alone tonight.”
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): The fruitcake that’s been lying under your bed since last Christmas might look like buried treasure when you fall out of bed after getting the munchies, but many of the ingredients in fruitcake are dangerous to all carbon-based life forms. Be especially careful if the sell-by date is more than twenty years away.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A fine line separates “Behold your glorious future” and “I don’t know how to tell you this.” When I spun the Empty Vodka Bottle of Wisdom on your behalf, it landed well over that line. In which direction? I don’t know how to tell you this …
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Your attempt to patent yourself meets with failure and ridicule when scientific experts declare there is not one fucking thing original about you. Before seeking fame in the world, you should work on becoming a household word in your own house. Start by wearing a name tag to breakfast tomorrow.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Considering a career change? If everyone else is thinking outside the box, maybe it’s time to think inside the box again.You might be well-qualified for a position in the hot new field of online digital-pet bereavement counseling.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Troubled by crank phone calls, you install caller ID, only to learn that the person phoning you at 3 a.m. and reciting obscene limericks in an altered voice is your mother. You dumped her in a nursing home nine states away last Christmas, but wait until you find out where she’s living now.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Twenty-four hours eating peyote in a sweat lodge, followed by a three-day grape purge, lead you to suspect that the label codes on your magazines contain messages from Aztec time travelers. You are convinced of your theory when a representative from Astrologers’ Digest calls to tell you that “time is running out.”
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): This is your golden age. It makes the rest of your life seem like cold shepherd’s pie. I would tell you how long this run is going to last, but I forgot to thaw the entrails this morning. Meanwhile, enjoy your incredible luck, heightened sensitivity to pleasure, and the large sum of money you’re about to inherit.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Car A leaves Seattle at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Miami at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving north. After three days what color is car B?
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): During the next fortnight your invisible friend, Timbar, is exceedingly playful. Don’t leave home without the special 3-D sunglasses that enable you to see him; and just to be safe, give crowded elevators and shopping malls a wide berth. Whatever you do, ignore any stock market advice he might give you.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
