CHICAGO – Kirstie Ally appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show in a modified bikini yesterday to favor the world with a peek at her new body. Unfortunately, twenty or so pounds of Ms. Alley’s old body were along for the perp walk.
The fifty-five-year-old former actress lumbered self-consciously on stage to the tune of the Commodores’ “Brick House,” an ironic choice for someone who’s still a few bricks high of a load at 5 feet, 8 inches and, allegedly, 145 pounds.
Ms. Alley was clad in a maroon bikini from the AARP’s Sexy Grandmothers collection. The two-piece suit featured an industrial-size top of astonishing proportions—her tits must weigh a ton and hang to her waist in free fall. She also wore a matching security blanket that she clutched for moral support.
Oprah dutifully played cheerleader during Ms. Alley’s “Mission Accomplished” moment, chirruping “you go, girl” for the two-thousandth time on the air. From the looks of things—mainly her ponderous thighs that could give a man or a woman serious head trauma—Kirstie’s got a lot more mission left to accomplish. There’s still half a fat chick in there looking for an exit.
Speaking of exits, Ms. Alley kept her ass covered with that maroon sail cloth during the brief time she appeared in her bikini. Five will get you ten weeks of free Jenny Craig meals that she’s still got a salt lick hanging somewhere in her house.
After showing off the front side of her new figure, Ms. Alley quit the stage. She returned in a dress and spouted the requisite New Age drivel about how “we are not our bodies.” True enough. Sadly for Ms. Alley, however, her mind isn’t a pretty picture either.
Next Oprah: My plan for bringing peace to the Middle East through weight loss.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
