LOS ANGELES – Jack Nicholson, the face of the Los Angeles Lakers, is close to signing with Maccabi Ashdod of the Israeli Basketball Super League, according to a report first aired on ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption yesterday.
“There could be an announcement as early as this weekend,” a Maccabi team official told ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser. “We’re thrilled at the prospect of having a veteran fan of Mr. Nicholson’s stature in a front row seat.”
For longer than Justin Bieber has been toilet trained, Mr. Nicholson and his sunglasses have been court side fixtures at Lakers home games. Indeed, some Lakers critics contend that Mr. Nicholson shows up for more games than the Lakers do.
“Jack brings it every night, true dat,” says Laker forward Ron Artest, soon to be known as Metta World Peace. “Or else that shady-looking, old white dude in the funky hat sitting next to him brings it, ya know.”
With a lockout in place, however, and the possibility that the entire 2011-2012 season will be cancelled, “franchise” fans like Mr. Nicholson are eyeing the overseas market.
“We don’t do this for the face time,” said Mr. Nicholson. “We’re in it for the love of the game, so we have to go where the games are.”
In addition to Mr. Nicholson, other superfans like the New York Knicks Spike Lee have been talking with “offshore” teams. Representatives for Mr. Lee have spoken to representatives of Besiktas of the Turkish Basketball League.
“AI (former Sixers great Allen Iverson) told Spike that there’s a TGIF in Istanbul,” said Mr. Lee’s agent, “and the ladies all want to get next to a black dude,”
One sticking point in negotiations is an escape clause that would allow superfans to return to their American teams whenever the lockout ends.
“Hey, I’m as fond of blintzes as the next guy,” laughed Mr. Nicholson, “but when they roll out the ball at Staples for real, I gotta be there.”
Test Your News IQ
The shady-looking old white dude in the hat sitting next to Jack Nicholson at Lakers games is . . . A) some homeless guy who works as Mr. Nicholson’s mule, B) record producer Lou Adler, C) Lakers owner Jerry Buss, D) Mr. Nicholson’s personal chef.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
