Ass Hats

Lena Van Haren of Everett Middle School Is Ass Hat of the Moment

SAN FRANCISCO—Just when you think progressives couldn’t possibly do anything more batshit than some of the batshit things they’ve done already, along comes some batshit progressive with her head up her ass crashing headlong into the walls of common sense, decency, right thinking, and civic responsibility. That headless horseperson would be Lena Van Haren, principal at Everett Middle School in San Francisco, proud sanctuary city by the bay.

On October 9 the students at Everett Middle School held a student council election, the sort of thing that only suck-ups and yokels like Joe Biden get excited about. Four days later, after reviewing the results of the election, Principal Van Haren sent an e-mail to parents informing them that election results would not be released because they didn’t reflect the school’s diversity.

If you bothered to count, you would find that Everett Middle School’s 469 students are 56% Hispanic, 18% white, 9% black, 5% Asian, and 12% other; but the top four out of ten student council offices, Principal Van Haren later reported, included no Latino or black candidates. What is wrong with those students? Ain’t they never heard of diversity, yo?

What to do? What to do? Why, hold meetings of course, and do a lot of hand wringing, breast beating, garment rending, perhaps a little yoga, plenty of self-righteous posturing—and then say a lot of dip shit stuff like “. . . as principal I want to make sure all voices are heard from all backgrounds.”

an image

If there were a god, and sometimes it would be convenient if there were, s/he would have turned that witless twat into a fire hydrant in a dog park. Does she lie to herself with that mouth? All the fucking voices were heard. It was called an election, you bumptious fool. Your sitting on the election results doesn’t do anything but impart a musty, somewhat salty flavor to the proceedings.

As Katherine Timpf, writing in National Review Online pointed out, “Irony: All students did have the opportunity to make their voices heard through voting—and refusing to report those results seems more like making sure that they’re not heard. (Emphasis in the original.)”

Ever the whirling dervish, Principal Van Haren then declared that the fact that the results were not released did not mean that she was “nullifying” the election or saying that it “didn’t count.”

Most parents were not amused, and a full ten days after the election Principal Van Haren finally gave up the results. According to one newspaper report, “[although] there was some diversity among the 10 winners, no English learners were elected, even though they make up about a third of enrollment. African American and Latino students were underrepresented, while white, Asian and mixed-race students, who are in the minority at the school, took the top four spots.”

The response to Principal Van Haren’s hijacking the ballot box was immediate and at times vehement. Parents complained; students were pissed. It appeared, some parents argued, that diversity was trumping democracy. (It usually does when progressives are in charge.)

an image

In her defense Principal Van Haren said she wanted to wait until there was a plan—created with student input, of course—to increase diversity among student leaders, perhaps by adding positions.(Hey, why not give everybody who received any vote in the election a seat on the council? Then give everyone who voted a certificate of participation.)

“It’s not OK for a school that is really, really diverse to have the student representatives majority white,” Principal Van Haren said.

She never explained why that isn’t OK, but with both tits in wringers, she did admit there was probably a better way to insure diversity of outcomes.

“Of course I look back and we should have communicated the winners right away,” she said. “I could never have predicted things would get to this point.

“I think,” she added, “it still can be a teachable moment.”

True dat. It’s the moment when we teach kids that you can’t run a school with your head up your ass. Here’s your award, Van Haren. Wear it in good health.

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.