LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI and cocaine possession yesterday, offenses that are, coincidentally, quite similar to the ones that occasioned her surrender to the Beverly Hills police six days ago.
“Lindsay fell off the wagon and was dragged a few blocks,” said her representative, Leslie Sloan Zelnick-Sloan, “but she is in a good space now and is receiving the support that she needs.”
In case you have been preoccupied with other events since Ms. Lohan’s Memorial Day DUI and her yesterday DUI, we have compiled the following timeline, which ought to bring you up to speed for now.
July 2. Lindsay Lohan attends her twenty-first birthday party, in Las Vegas. After saying it is her “first sober birthday ever,” she makes an elaborate show of drinking blackberry-flavored water and feasting on birthday cake all evening, but several of her guests who were eating cake with her pass out by 3:00 a.m. A source at the club later confirms that the cake was a 90-proof Italian rum cake.
July 4. Ms. Lohan, claiming that she has gotten “time off for bad behavior” from her outpatient treatment for alcohol and drug addiction, turns up at the Polaroid-sponsored House of Debauchery in Malibu. During the course of the afternoon she consumes two quarts of strawberry-flavored water. Halfway through the second bottle she complains that the water isn’t sweet enough and begins to ask friends if they have any artificial sweetener.
July 5. Ms. Lohan and her mother, who asked that her name not be used in this report, join Calum Best for a threesome at Rasheed’s Ribs, a funky little spot in Venice Beach. According to a fellow diner, Ms. Lohan ordered beer-battered shrimp, Jack Daniel’s babyback ribs, and two helpings of Amaretto cheesecake, which she consumed through a straw.
July 9. Hoping to capitalize on her newfound sobriety, Ms. Lohan instructs her email assistant to contact Evian, Perrier, Poland Springs, and several other bottled water companies. The pitch? A newly sober Ms. Lohan will endorse the highest bidder’s product and guarantee that paparazzi will be alerted every time she goes anywhere with a bottle of water in her hand. The cost? A lifetime supply of bottled water and $3.5 million. Ms. Lohan tells reporters that she got three firm offers but her email assistant, who has since been fired, erased the emails, thinking they were spam.
July 14. Eyebrows begin to wag when Ms. Lohan appears to be entering into some kind of sexual relationship with New York City socialite Dori Cooperman, whom Ms. Lohan met while in rehab. In addition to being a raging drunk with a penchant for self-mutilation, Ms. Cooperman was charged with fraud after cashing a retired neighbor’s $4,300 check.
July 15. Leslie Sloane Zelnick-Sloan, issues a statement saying that the star has officially graduated “magnum cum laud” from rehab. Ms. Sloan Zelnick-Sloan further announces that Ms. Lohan has decided to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring bracelet to prove that she is serious about remaining sober.
July 17. Ms. Lohan appears in Beverly Hills wearing her SCRAM for the first time in public, after alerting the paparazzi of her intended whereabouts. Britney Spears, who has been slipstreaming Ms. Lohan for several days hoping to catch her spillage, drives slowly up and down the street. Angered at being virtually ignored, Ms. Spears begins yelling that the bracelet won’t work because it’s not supposed to be worn around the ankle.
July 19. Escorted by her lawyer Blair Berk, an expert in celebrity DUI cases, Ms. Lohan surrenders to police in Beverly Hills to face littering charges from the May 26 car crash that left several parts of her Mercedes-Benz on a Beverly Hills sidewalk. When reporters begin shouting questions at her, she replies, “Wait a minute while I turn this damn thing down.” Then she bends over to adjust her SCRAM.
July 21. Ms. Lohan is back at Polaroid’s House of Debauchery, after tipping off paparazzi to get more candids of her wearing her ankle bracelet. Once again she complains that the flavored water is too tart and asks for artificial sweetener. Several friends offer her clear packets of sweetener.
July 22, morning. A disheveled and sleepy-looking Ms. Lohan is photographed with her shorts down. Close friends say she “dropped trou” to hide the fact that she wasn’t wearing her ankle bracelet.
July 22, evening. Ms. Lohan goes out partying with her new pal, Ms. Cooperman, after alerting paparazzi yet again of her whereabouts. This time she offers to pose topless for $30,000. After dinner, at which Ms. Lohan ate several leaves of lettuce, she picks up the check. Ms. Cooperman picks up a check from a fellow diner’s purse.
July 23-24. Ms. Lohan is on the prowl again, this time in Santa Monica. Following an intimate dinner, Ms. Lohan gets into a shouting match with her second underassistant, Taryn Graham. Ms. Lohan accuses Ms. Graham of forgetting to remind her to wear her ankle bracelet. Ms. Graham replies, “But you said to leave it home because the reception was lousy.” Ms. Lohan fires Ms. Graham and threatens to kill anyone who offers “that bitch” a ride home. Ms. Graham phones her mother.
Infuriated that Ms. Graham won’t have to walk the ten miles back to her cottage, Ms. Lohan commandeers a white Denali and follows Ms. Graham and her mother out of the restaurant parking lot. Ms. Graham’s mother, fearing for her life when Ms. Lohan is still following her ten minutes later, calls the police and ducks into another parking lot.
The police arrive to find Ms. Lohan screaming at Mrs. Graham, threatening to “tell Al Gore what you did, you whore.” Ms. Lohan is booked on suspicion of shouting under the influence and is taken to the Santa Monica police station. After she pegs the needle on a Breathalyzer test, police discover a bag of what appears to be cocaine in her pocket. Ms. Lohan claims it isn’t hers and, besides, it’s artificial sweetener
July 24, later in the day. While paparazzi on staking out Lawyer Berk’s West Hollywood law office, Britney Spears drives by. She circles the block and goes into a nearby liquor store, where she spends $26.75 on cigarettes, gum, nuts, and ten lottery tickets. After giving paparazzi a wave, she drives off.
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