WEST CHESTER, Penna. – If it’s August, Lindsay Lohan is selling magazines for Elle. For the second August in a row another issue of Elle featuring the fully loaded Herbie star hits the newsstands, but what a difference a year makes.
This time around Ms. Lohan is on the defensive, assuring Elle‘s readers not only that the paparazzi are the cause of all her troubles but also that if she wears a dress, she wears panties—except maybe for that one time when she was in Venice and she slipped into the first Prada dress that came to hand.
Last year, however, was a bridge of another color. Last year was all rainbows and roses and crisp apple kittens. Therefore, as a public service to all those Lindsay Lohan fans who complain that nobody ever prints the good news about her, we present the following article, which appeared in the August 9, 2006, edition of Postcards from the Pug Bus.
Lindsay Lohan told Elle magazine that she wants to follow in the footsteps of her idol, Marilyn Monroe, by “entertaining our brave fighting men one soldier at a time.”
In a penetrating interview that lands like a smart bomb on newsstands today, the Herbie Fully Loaded actress said, “I want to do what Marilyn did when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops by herself. It’s so amazing seeing one woman with just her entourage going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who’s basically a pinup, which is what I’ve always aspired to be.”
Ms. Lohan, 20, apparently also aspires to be a hawkish Democrat. She revealed to Elle that she had been trying to visit Iraq with Senator Hillary Clinton “for like so long. I’ve TM’d her any number of times saying ‘next weekend’s cool for me, girl,’ but Hillary acted like she thought it was too dangerous or whatever.”
A spokesman for the former first lady acknowledged that Ms. Lohan—or someone purporting to be Ms. Lohan—had expressed an interest in going to Iraq.
“We get those kinds of text messages all the time,” said the Clinton spokesman. “We usually blow them off by suggesting that if they really want to go, they could pursue doing so through the USO (United Services Organization).
“Are you saying that really was Lindsay Lohan? Is she a registered Democrat?”
Reaction to Ms. Lohan’s idea was equally skeptical in Hollywood.
“I’m not surprised that old firecrotch is looking for new plows for her furrow,” laughed Brandon Davis. “She’s done every young dude in the industry, and even a few old ones like Jeremy Piven and Bruce ‘Die Soft’ Willis.”
Other observers, while less caustic, were unimpressed.
“That chick spends so much time in the hospital for heat exhaustion, what’s she going to do in Iraq?” said one starlet who asked to remain anonymous. “Does she plan to entertain the troops in her hospital bed?”
Ms. Lohan, however, insists she is serious about going to Iraq.
“I’m not afraid of going,” she said. “My security guard is taking me at a gun range, and I’m going to start shooting lessons. He says if I’m going to go there, I should know how to shoot.”
Elsewhere, news of Ms. Lohan’s proposed visit to Iraq was greeted with enthusiasm by one Marine on a peace keeping mission in Baghdad. “I’ve always been a huge fan of hers,” said the nineteen-year-old Marine, “and I love her husband Kid Rock’s music. I hope she brings him with her.”
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