NEW YORK – “American Beauty” star Mena Suvari has filed for a legal separation from “Mighty Aphrodite” star and Oscar-winning actress Mira Sorvino, hoping to end what Suvari describes as “six years of confusion, uncertainty, and identity crisis” brought on by the annoying similarity between their names.
In what promises to be a long and complex proceeding, Suvari, 26, is demanding that Sorvino, 37, change her first name to anything with an odd number of syllables that does not begin with the letters M or N. Suvari is also demanding that the change be made retroactive to the start of Sorvino’s acting career.
“I’m tired of people coming up to me in restaurants and quoting lines from ‘Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion,'” said Suvari while lunching on radicchio and lemon juice at a Greenwich Village Cafe. “What’s even worse is when somebody says they thought I should have had a bigger part in ‘Beautiful Girls.’ People have even begun asking me how I like being a mother.”
Suvari, of course, did not star in “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion”; she appeared in “American Beauty,” not “Beautiful Girls’; and she didn’t have a baby recently. Try telling that, however, to the nine people out of ten who couldn’t tell her from Sorvino in a recent New York Times poll.
“Mina Sorvano?” asked one respondent. “Didn’t she play Chris Kline’s girlfriend in ‘American Pie’?”
Told that Kline’s girlfriend was played by Mena Suvari, the respondent said, “I thought she was the one who got the Oscar for ‘Mighty Aphrodite.’ I get them so confused.”
Mira Sorvino declined to comment on Suvari’s legal action, but Paul Sorvino, Mira’s father, branded the suit frivolous and self-serving.
“My daughter’s taller by nearly half a foot; she’s Harvard educated; and she’s better looking than Mena Suvari. Nine years ago Mira was on People magazine’s list of the fifty most beautiful people in the world. If you ask me, this lawsuit is all about publicity and using Mira Sorvino’s name to advance Mena Suvari’s career.”
No matter what the merits of the case, legal scholars such as Judge Judy believe that whoever presides at the hearing will rely on two psychometric scales: Google Duel and Celebrity Ranker, both of which are the creations of Geoff Peters. According to Google Duel, which reports the number of times two persons’ names are mentioned on websites searched by Google, Mena Suvari (144,000 hits) is far more “popular” than Mira Sorvino (61,300 hits.)
“That would seem to indicate that Mena Whats-her-name hasn’t been materially harmed by the fact that people can’t tell her from Mira Whosis,” Judge Judy observed.
The legal picture becomes murkier when the actresses’ popularity ratings are considered. Suvari rated 4.694 on a scale of 7 on the Celebrity Ranker, which like everything else on the Internet is Google based. Sorvino rated 4.597.
“This tell’s me you’ve got two rather evenly matched people here with ho-hum visibility; not exactly household names,” said Judge Judy. “Maybe that Myna woman’s got a case after all.”
In related news, actor Timothy Bottoms said he is watching this case carefully, and if Mena Suvari succeeds in obtain a separation from Mira Sorvino, he (Bottoms) will file for a similar separation from actor Tim Robbins.
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